.: Heart of Crystal :. Pray I'll Touch The Sky

I Don't Know About You

2012-02-07T15:57:00.000+08:00

It is true. I don't know about you, or about anyone else.

Why someone would make certain decision, or why someone decided not to take that one step closer. I don't know about anyone else, I only know about my story. And perhaps that is why I keep on saying that some reasons; though not good enough of a reason, is still a reason. Or they may not be reasonable, but it is understandable. Perhaps more than anything else, I was trying to give myself that excuse.

And more than anything else, more than what everyone perceive myself to be; it was not easy for me. Even when I wore tudung to school, putting on hijab proved to be more difficult as the world started to unfold itself. I would love to say "I hear, and I obey" to God, as I have never doubted that it was a command from Him. But with all those understanding, I would have to admit my weaknesses.

I am not one of those who was brought up and schooled in a proper Islamic education. Heck, I never went to any Islamic, even if it's just to learn the Quran, school..until UIA. But I'm not "privileged" with ignorance as my excuse as my parents, tabarakallah and alhamdulillah, were Heaven-sent; I think what they gave me was 110% more effective than any school could ever do a girl like me.

So NO, I was not deprived of The Message.

But alas, my parents were never my only teachers.

When I prostrate before Him in Masjidil Haram in June 2010, one of my cries to Him was to soften my heart to make it easier for me to obey His commands. And to have Mercy on me each time I find it to be a struggle to put on the hijab.

So after that prayer, while I was in my telekung, totally make-up less (of course!), with teary eyes and berhingus, a woman came to me and looked directly into my eyes before saying "Mashaallah, you are so beautiful."

In a state of confusion, that tickled me to the bones and I thought of His obvious love for me. Being the All-Knowing, He would know I am perhaps the kind of girl that needs the knocking there and then. And Al-Malik is the One with absolute sovereign, over my life, over my destiny and over my heart and soul.

"So establish prayer and give zakah and hold fast to Allah. He is your Protector, and excellent is the Protector, and excellent is the Nassir (the One who provides victory, the Helper) ." (Al-Hajj, 22:78)

May Allah forgive me, but for all the efforts done to ensure I hold on to Him, yet I am still a girl who knows what a little hair-twirling can do. Some days harder than the rest, some days when I would fall to the whispering in my head that says "what harm could it do? And hey, you know it would make a lot of things easier."

As there is no short-cut to any place worth going, even when I thought I had it affirmed in my heart, doubts would appear before I could take the next step. Forgive me for I am not trying to blame anyone, but by His Wisdom and Knowledge to which belongs only to Him, I wasn't made to understand the logic behind certain things.

My heart was hurt when the same people who asked me to put my hijab, or to wear my hijab properly; are the same people who have their arms locked to those who doesn't have their hijab on. And when queried, it is always the same answer of "give her time, she will in time insyaAllah". As a girl who could throw her head just to laugh crazily, and to sing her heart out to Greenday, and jumps up and down when she heard Dashboard Confessional is coming to town, and dreams of having a walk-in closet for her heels, that is just plainly unfair... and bullshit.

And to the girl who's heart is in constant conflict with her head, with the heart affirming the command and the love for it, and the head being plainly rebellious, that is enough to draw the line of respect. (Again, with all the love in my heart, I do NOT say this to reprimand anyone, but only to say it as it is, for myself and for many others) It especially hurts when you are struggling with one thing and another person is given a free pass on it.

But Al-Waarith is the One to whom all possessions return when the possessor is gone. The One who inherits all that we've done. The One who has the everlasting ownership of all that has ever been and that will ever be.

"And certainly We, it is we who give life, and it We who remain inheritors (after all else passes away) ." (al-Hijr, 15: 23)

And this is where I learn to don my hijab only for myself, an attempt for me to get closer to the One who owns me before I was brought into this world, the One who will own me in the afterlife, and the One who owns my every breathing.

And the One who owns me, is the One who owns every single other souls and all of the deed done and to be done. As others might hurt me and disappoint me, I have to go back to Him, to pass Him my broken heart for Him to mend it, and to be rest assured in His promises.

In the end the calculation is a simple one. With a swing of my hair and a drop in the voice, I could get that free cup of latte, or in the long run I could get that guy. But Al-Aziz, The Almighty is the One with the Might over every strain of my hair, over that cup of coffee that might just be destined to fall right after I leave the coffee shop, and over that guy whose heart could falter any day, and over my heart which could be changed any minute.

So ya, in the end the calculation is a simple one. I rather be loved by my Creator, I rather fear to have a hardened heart against Al-Aziz, rather than the fear of being left by the guy who left when he could not have his way over me. I rather be loved by Al-Waliy, The Protecting Friend/ The Guardian, and not desired by one who has too many desires; rather than being far from Al-Waliy but is loved and adored by one who will eventually has to answer to Al-Waliy as well.

"and whoever is an ally of Allah and His Messenger and those who have believed - indeed, the party of Allah - they will be the predominant." (Al-Maidah, 5: 56)

Hence why in the end the calculation is a simple one. When I put on my hijab, it is only because I want to be closer to Him. So close to Him that when the time comes, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) will smile at me.

**this does not mean my hijab is perfect, I am still trying, and struggling as some days are still harder. But alhamdulillah things that were cloudy before, is clearer now. Words that were disappointments before, is taken as a reminder to myself now. Other than that, I will leave it to Him as the Al-Wakeel, my Ultimate Trustee. Every tears, every worry, every confusion and every hurt.

"Sufficient for us is Allah, and [He is] the best Disposer of Affairs." (Ali Imran, 3:173)

I don't know about you, but this is about me, finally able to put my chin up and say, "pfft, seriously. What was I so worried about? When all I should be worried about is about pleasing the One who has control over all of my destiny, not about pleasing my whims and fancies and arrogance or pleasing others, and to put out my best for Him, as He is the only One who could give me the best."

May Allah Al-Hafeedh cleanse our souls and purify our hearts and protects our intelligence.

"Be mindful of Allah, and He will protect you. Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you."
- reported by At-Tarmidhi

I don't know about you, but I have nothing else to give.

Commandeering

2012-01-31T00:13:00.001+08:00

The distance between two separated souls, the least, is a lifetime.

The distance between virtuous patience and anger, is that swing of the fist.

The distance between a goal and a dream, is that fearful fearless step.

The distance between two strangers' hearts, is the scarred past and an uneven future.

The expansion distance between two points, everyone is still losing.

And success is a distance to be traveled; running, walking, even crawling.

Hey, let's not be afraid of what is on the other side.

Let's say 'joyride!' chirpily, like the way it should be.

While you were away

2012-01-24T01:15:00.001+08:00

Everyone is trying to prove their points. All of us are supposedly misunderstood. We portray what we want, and then we expect the world to read the underlining rational behind who we are. Like how Robin Hood was a thief. But hey, he stole from the rich and give to the poor! So it's not fair for us to label him as a thief per se.

Or how I can laugh so crazily during the day, and write ambiguous emotional blog posts at night. Then expect those who sees me as an immature bimbo, to be smart enough to realize that I actually got a sober soul. And vice versa, those who has been reading me or had seen the waterworks, to understand that I am not trying to play that damsel in distress.

Sigh.

That, and the fact that just because I am trying, doesn't mean I'm there yet, not quite.

Like how I would cry deep in my prayers doesn't make me a sinless girl. Not at all, not even close. But at the very least it keeps me grounded, even though I am a daily flight-risk. But if you ask me I would say "I do not deserve something so good", then ask me again and with both eyes closed I would say "but I owe it to my soul to choose better".

Or how I would lie about being scared. When in fact being scared is one thing I most afraid of, and I'd do anything to avoid it, to deny it. To the point of denying my emotions. Too scared to lose, too scared to win. If I could promise myself one thing tonight, I would promise I will not be scared to lose, in order to win. And when I do win, I will not be too afraid to embrace it.

Like how I should be honest enough to embrace it all.

I feel too much; hence I cry too easily. I think too much, hence I get tired too easily. I hope too much, hence I get disappointed too easily. I laugh too much, hence I get amused too easily. I believe too much, hence I fell in love too easily.

Look, let's be honest. If not to each other, at least to ourselves. Let's stop trying to prove our nonsensical points when we can't even convince ourselves of those points.

What is the point?

We will lose what is not meant for us, regardless how strong our fear of losing is.

The point is, I am tired of feeling too much. Which of course, by virtue of the above equation, I am tired of crying too easily. I wish I do not feel, I wish I am more like you.

I wish. But I am not.

The whole point for tonight is for me to start being honest enough to embrace who I am, to start picking up strength to lose in order to win. Even if it means losing you, I would gather my strength to do it, because I just have to stop being on the verge of tears.

Even if the world sees my fragility, and perhaps even futility, it's oki. I swear to God I do believe that the world is in need of more honesty from it inhabitants. So I am going to start with myself.

In all honesty, I will keep the rest to myself still. And I will get my rest tonight, praying I will be braver and stronger to be honest tomorrow. Or perhaps, able to convince myself that what the world need is more honesty. Or perhaps, God will bless me with wisdom and intelligence to show that I have been wrong all along.

Just because I cried, doesn't mean I'm hopelessly sad. It could mean I'm trying but just a little bit tired, and hence I'm praying for some left over strength for me to continue trying. It could mean that. Or it could mean something else.

Film flaw

2012-01-23T00:46:00.001+08:00

To the world I am a brightly pictured book.

(like a huge red Apple picture above the written "APPLE")

As if insecurities can be hidden behind a glass door.

(it's like the whole world can see right through me, except the one who

seems like could be my whole world)

But I'll let it rest tonight.

I laid it all out to the Protection of my Creator.

(after all, He created my whole world)

Better than Ice-cream

2012-01-15T23:59:00.000+08:00

They say you can't lose what you never had.

(even if it has always been desired.)

I have never been independent.

(I'm just good at forcing myself.)

It's not pride, it's education.

(a forced one.)

Kalau syurga boleh dibeli dengan wang, tidak bernilailah air mata yang mengalir merayu kekuatan menghadapi ketentuan Ilahi.

Guilty Pleasure

2012-01-13T00:06:00.000+08:00

I can calculate between 2 traffic lines.

What I cannot calculate is when a driver decides against the flow.

Unknown variables can kill.

Whereas fear without faith is a sure kill.

Just sayin'

Penting ke?

2012-01-06T23:41:00.001+08:00

"Read! In the name of your Lord and Cherisher"

(Al-Alaq, 96:1)

Do, with a firm belief of His aid will come together (with His command).

Do, with your heart set for Him.

Because I only have my heart to consume and to indulge all of it. So I beg that every beat of heart, is guided and protected. Because maybe, the place we have come to fear the most, is the place we have to be and the place we ought to be, is the place we want to be.

Show Me Where You Stand

2012-01-03T00:40:00.000+08:00

LIMA 2011

If you say time moves too fast

Try to let your heart miss a love

If you say life's a perk

Try suppressing your thoughts

If you say time heals

Try finding the essence of time

If you say life is too short

Try living a life like you got it all

If you say you got it all figured out

Try to understand the rhythm of your heartbeat

Tell me,

To what does it moves to?

"Do they not travel through the land, so that their hearts may thus learn wisdom and their ears may learn to hear? Truly it is not their eyes that are blind, but their hearts which are in their breasts." (Al-Hajj 22:46)

Ya Allah, tiada yang mudah melainkan yang Kau izinkan.

Things We Know, People We Love

2011-12-25T09:08:00.000+08:00

Why don't we do the things we know is the right thing to do?

Why don't we start here, now. My faith teaches me to love, and not to let that love goes to waste. And we shouldn't feel ashamed and embarrassed, or for any reason, to hide our compassion towards one another.

So let me tell you about my love story. (one of them, at least)

I feel in love 6 years ago, coming on to our 7th year in 2012, somewhere in June or July or something like that.

I remember when I was told "I thank God to be able to know you". Little did we know, a little longer than that, every time I pray, I would thank Allah for sending me His Mercy, through a lifeline in the form of a friend.

No, it wasn't love at the first sight. God no. Though it was prolly love at the first gedikness. Being a self-claimed tomboy throughout my schooling years, I had to turn my head around when I heard "oh ho ho ho my number is... 019...." and I thought "woww. what is that?!" (being fresh out of school, innocent and naive like that)

And with that, we clicked. And true to the wisdom of 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'. Little by little, by sticking to each other's side, through thick and thin (literally and figuratively), I managed to unleash the girlie girl within me. Look at me today; even Yoda would bow down to such awesome success. *pengsan*

And if I were to say we are worlds apart, you would say, yeah so I heard that opposite attracts.

But I don't think so.

She can memorize every single number combination that crosses her path.

I can even get the date of my 1st anniversary wrong, let alone my own student ID.

She eats a lot, and not gain an ounce.

I eat just to stay alive, and yet... sigh.

She would skip classes, to study in her room.

I would attend classes, to sleep in the classroom.

She would drive to Malacca at 40 k/h just to stay alive.

I would race up to Cameron Highlands just to feel alive.

Most would think I'm the nicer one.

Most would think I'm the weaker one.

Because she's the pretti(er) one.

Because she's the smart(er) one.

Except for the pretty part, she would disagree. (hence why I'm the nicer one!) As for smartness, I love and miss being her Partner-in-Law (as oppose to partners in crime, we are legal like that), because she would let me do my best, at my own pace, as she trust me to do my test. (oh! WE CAN RAP THAT PART YO!)

But those are why we can stand each other (because gedik people tend to stay by each other, ya know?), not why I love her.

You see, when my world was collapsing, brick by brick, and all I can do was to stand still, numb, watching it crumble to the ground; she was there. Even when she didn't know what to do, what to say, because she knows I would die if there is one more utterance of "it's gonna be alright" and "you have to be strong", she was there. When I was in uncontrollable tears (dengan hingus2 sekali), she was there. When I thought I was a solid rock, she watches my back, coz she knows I'm usually at my worst when I thought I'm at my best. When I am annoying as hell, she was there.

She is always there.

You know why?

Because God does not only exists. But more importantly, God loves us (me), and this is one of His ways of giving us His Mercy and Love.

On 22/12/2011, I was in Kuantan, burning the midnight oil trying to catch some air before making my first appearance in an open High Court, before the Judge. But on the same date, she turned 24 years old.

In my defense though, even though I wasn't able to baling tepung and tempek (soo high school!) her on her old day, I had it all planned out.

A flawless, foolproof plan.

And then, by one e-mail it was ruined. By her. -__-"

Now I have no plan, except the one she's planning on her own.

But that doesn't mean I love her any less. I can bet the world she knows I'm sucky planner. (and I can bet the universe she knows I'm making excuses right now)

Oh, that reminds me, I just got to know that in order for us to really to get to know a person, we have to:

1. travel with the person.
2. do business with the person.
3. spend a night with the person.

with Mar.S,

1. Bus, Flight, Car, Train; all checked and done.
2. kata Partner-in-Law (and crime), considered sold.
3. A night? That is just too pfft.

And that was a year ago.

With you, I'd do it over and over again.

With all the love in the world, and the hereafter InsyaAllah;

Let's rock your 24th soon!

(i mean your bikini party, not the birthday itself.)

hanamaru

The Music Store, Take Me Please

2011-12-14T18:51:00.002+08:00

Since I was little, every time we go tothe sea, I would end up bringing home a handful of seashells. Whenthere are a handful (and to add more in daddy's pocket) the handsomecollection would include the broken and the discoloured ones. Butthat didn't bother me, I thought they were all beautiful, and I wantthem home with me.

Then we had to move town, and I vowedto take with me as little as possible. Without blinking an eye, myyears of seashells collection were thrown into the bin. All I saw wasa few kilos of useless non-practical broken things.

But somehow the habit remains.

Each time without fail, I would stillcollect seashells. It's like a therapy. And I never want anyone tohelp me; I want to find what I want to find. I want to find theperfectly shaped, the brightly coloured, and the ones when others seeit, they would say “oohh such a pretty little thing! Can I haveit?”

Once upon a time, that used to matterto me. How others rate what I see, mattered.

The crave to find the perfectly shapedand brightly coloured, with no defect or scar; I realized I wasbroken. If all my inside was feeling pain and ugliness, I wanted todefy fate and show the opposite. If I can show the crumbling piecesinside, I would give the world perfection, ones I found withoutanyone's help.

Stupid girl eh?

Well at least yesterday I took with me3 pieces of seashells. They are neither in perfect shape nor brightlycoloured. But with all its rough edges, I see them to be beautiful,and real. I know I will soon forget how I see them today, few monthsdown the road I will stare at them thinking hard what was it that Ifelt yesterday and dismiss it as being unreal.

But life happens when we are busymaking plans. So maybe I will forget, maybe someone will help meremember, maybe I will never forget and wear it on my neck andeveryone who sees it will say “Hana, that looks cheap and dodgy”.Maybe. And maybe, I will not care, because what I feel belongs to me,and I hope to send my heart to God, and have faith that everythingthat He throws in my way, they are the beautiful things that willlead me to Him.

Stupid girl is still a silly girl. Shebelieves in what she sees, and she sees what she wants. Some days shehurts the people she loves by being too independent and free, somedays she hurts the people she loves by being too dramatic andemotional. It depends not on the weather of the day, it could be thestorm, it could be a beautiful eclipse by the sea; but seashellscould be the only thing in her mind, untouched.

It’s the end game that is all thatmatters. But sometimes the hardest thing and right thing are thesame.

On The Go

2011-12-01T19:33:00.001+08:00

If I have a Twitter, on Thursday I'd tweet "Tomorrow is Friday"

If I am not scared of losing, I'd sing every day for the world to see.

If I do not believe, I'd be usual and pretend to believe.

There are no flashing lights and blaring sirens.

I can live with that. I'd love a life like that.

Careful Confessions

2011-11-26T12:04:00.001+08:00

Let's not wait until the first fight.

(as I usually wait way after, or never, or whatever)

But the only thing I like more than your smile,

is when that smile, is for me.

(the epitome of the perfectly beautiful imperfection)

It's not even funny how you can turn my bad days

into pure gold, with just that.

(I'd given it shining stars anyway)

Gravity Happens

2011-11-21T00:12:00.001+08:00

Where it was once scattered all over

Like a piece of California Roll

Everything is now rolled into one.

The good and the bad.

The blessings and the life.

20112011,

Happy 54th Birthday, Mama.

(the superwoman with a head-strong for a daughter)

, super xoxo

hanachan

Faith, Freedom, and all the Effs in between.

2011-11-06T22:08:00.000+08:00

There are lots of time I am afraid to write my view, for fear of saying something that could taint the beautiful teachings of Islam. I am afraid things I say, instead of bringing people closer to Him, to know Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), out of my own lack of knowledge and wisdom, will only confuses people. But I believe all of us have our own obligations to make full use of what Allah has given us.

And for today, I've been blessed with understanding and with His love. (Dear God, I can take cancer and I can take you taking away my loved ones if that is what is best for them, but please don't test me on my Faith, please don't take away what I found, please don't take away my crave to seek for You, always and forever)

In most revert stories, many would say they have been warned that if they are looking for Islam, they should only take the Quran and Sunnah to their hearts, and not the Muslims. Looking at myself in the mirror, I couldn't agree more.

So here's my take on LGBT (google it!) and Seksualiti Merdeka's Festival of "Queer without Fear". In articulating my thoughts and putting them in place, I guess the simplest way is to take excerpts from the conversation I had with my friends, fellow lawyers, those is in favor SM.

So. I know you have your thoughts. What's your take on all the huffs on SM?

More than anything else, I find all these bickering and arguments on Seksualiti Merdeka is just sad.

Not the you're-so-pathetic sad, but more like what-have-we-come-to sad.

What? (with one eyebrow up -- she knows me well)

I am for one, is against the movement. And then I am, for always, is against hostility, ridiculing, calling-people to grave and hell. And just like all the gays movement around the globe, I wish we would stop hating and just spread the love. You know, the lurrrvvveee. (grinning)

And then my prayers would always be for the people I love, to find what I found; the beauty of understanding the Divine Love. The beauty of finding peace with yourself, to make the best of who you are.

You think the gays are wrong?

Pulling of all the gays activities, be it sexual or non-sexual, is wrong. Sexually, it is an offence under our Penal Code, it is strictly prohibited in Islam and correct me if I am wrong, but it is also strictly prohibited by all the religions in the world. Well, maybe not in Scientology or any of the new-found religion, didn't really check on those. And I believe it is also morally wrong, and naturally wrong.

But. It is as wrong as sex outside marriage, and as wrong as abusing your wife and kids, as wrong as raping yada yada.

Being gay is sometimes not a choice you know, if it is so God dammit wrong, it is God who gave them those traits that makes them gay. Why do God give them those feelings if they are wrong?

All of us were not created to be perfect. It is said that if there is society that is so perfect and sinless, God will destroy them and replace with a society who will commit sins and He will wait for their repentance and guide whoever He will.

It is the same with lust isn't it? All of us are created with it. But then revelation is sent down to guide us to control our lust, to make us different from animals, and to be strong on our own so we will be free and not condemned to be slaves to our every desire.

It is like anger, where some of us are more short-tempered than the rest. And what do we advice to these people? Go for anger management.

Even in loving someone, experience and chick-lits always has it that we should always guard our heart and to let the emotion overflow for fear of being hurt or betrayed.

Because we are not suppose to just give in and follow to our heart every desire, to our whims and fancies.

It is all about finding control within yourself. Isn't that the whole point of years of living experience? And I found mine in Islam. The guidelines are clear and acceptable by my reasoning and logic.

But being gay is not infectious you know? Why can't you just let them do their own thing and you with your own things?

Do you really believe that? Coz honestly, I don't think so. I think that is just a denial on your part. If really we can just let go of the things we believe to be social ills and is detrimental to our society, it will affect not only our everyday being, but more importantly the future we are leaving for the next generation.

Oki. So we are on the same boat on cleanliness and protecting mother earth for the future, right? We just so hate the people who litters from their car window while driving, even if its just a cigarette butt. Why? Your life is not turned upside down by that butt, isn't it? Why do we aspire to buy hybrid cars, when the effect, if there's any, will only be felt by the future generations? Isn't it because we know our little efforts will somehow make a huge impact on something we really care about? Even if it is not so obvious to our naked eyes here and now.

So gays are condemned people, deserved to be mistreated and discriminated, just because they are different from you? Just because you think they are wrong?

No. I never said any of those, did I? Come on man, to me, we are all as wrong we let ourselves be. I can't remember the verse or the exact words, but God did say that He loves to hear His creations praying to Him. If we are created perfect, without flaw, we would be angels. But we are not. We are bound to make mistakes, we are designed to err and to fall short, but with all the flaws He gave us, He have also sent guidance for those who seek.

The very first thing I said was I am against hostility and damnation. I myself have been through undue discrimination, and that was never easy. Yes, even to a head-strong like me. To me, it is the behavior and action that needs to be stop, not the people. Like seriously, I have gay friends oki! I don't hate them, I don't even try to stay away from them. But because they are my friends, I do pray for them. Just like I ask them to pray for me too. Because we don't know whose prayer is accepted, we can only try.

The way I see it, it is all part of each of our own trials that we have to go through. You know like how some of us are tried with the parting of our loved ones, like the losing of the man I thought I can't live without? I can't expect the world to just stop spinning and tend to my crying can I? Or like how when the people we love is fighting against cancer, the last thing want is for them to give up, right? Right up to the end we want them to fight. Isn't that how it is suppose to be? Isn't that what every song like Miley Cyrus' The Climb, Christina Aguilera's Hero and whatnot is all about?

It is not a disease.

Not in the literal sense. But it is a problem right? If not why are we having this discussion?

How can you let religion to affect your life so much?

What else do we have? What else is truer than faith? Don't you look at me like that darling. Coz I found it when I needed it the most. And I've been loving every moment I'm feeling it as I have never been able find answers to thousands of questions I had before I finally understand why I put my head on the ground each day. I found Islam through divine intervention, I guess. But how it grows on me, how it changes my perspective in life, it is the most rational and logical thing that I can ever hope to have.

But there is one thing I have to tell you about my faith. If you're looking for it, don't look at me, I am far from practicing it perfectly, don't look at the Malay cultures, honestly I think most of it are crappy. Hey, my granny would just say I'm being a typical city-girl whenever I brought that up. And by God, do not even look at Arab cultures. gosh. Sorry man, but against them I can be kinda discriminating. I mean, the whole world especially the Westerns, would look at Arabs as if they are the epitome of Islam. But some of their cultures is still very much like their pre-Islam cultures. To be fair, it is not fair to generalize people, but the point is, go straight to study the Quran and the Sunnah, that's the authentic Prophet Muhammad's way.

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(Surah Yunus, 10: 96-109)

96. Those against whom the Word of your Lord has been verified would not believe-

97. Even if every Sign was brought unto them - until they see (for themselves) the Penalty grievous.

98. Why was there not a single township (among those We warned), which believed - so its Faith should have profited it - except the People of Jonah? When they believed, We removed from them the Penalty of Ignominy in the life of the present, and permitted them to enjoy (their life) for a while.

99. If it had been your Lord's will, they would all have believed - all who are on earth! Will you then compel mankind, against they will, to believe?

100. No soul can believe, except by the will of Allah, and He will place doubt (or obscurity) on those who will not understand.

101. Say: "Behold all that is in the heavens and on earth;" but neither Signs nor Warners profit those who believe not.

102. Do they then expect (anything) but (what happened in) the days of the men who passed away before them? Say: "Wait you then: for I, too, will wait with you."

103. In the end We deliver Our messengers and those who believe: thus it is fitting on Our part that We should deliver those who believe!

104. Say: "O you men! If you are in doubt as to my religion, (behold!) I worship not what you worship, other than Allah! But I worship Allah - Who will take your souls (at death): I am commanded to be (in the ranks) of the Believers,

105. "And further (thus): 'set your face towards Religion with true piety, and never in any wise be of the Unbelievers::

106. "Nor call on any, other than Allah - such will neither profit you nor hurt you: if you do, behold! You shall certainly be of those who do wrong."

107. If Allah touch you with hurt, there is none can remove it but He: if He does design some benefit for you, there is none can keep back His favour: He causes it to reach whomsoever of His servants He pleases. And He is the Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

108. Say: "O you men! Now Truth has reached you from your Lord! Those who receive Guidance, do so for the good of their own souls; those who stray, do so to their own loss: and I am not (set) over you to arrange your affairs."

109. Follow you the inspiration sent unto you, and be patient and constant, till Allah does decide: for He is the Best to decide.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sayang, isn't it if God had intended for us to live in a permissive society, wouldn't the "Ten Commandments" have been "Ten Suggestions"?

try again tomorrow.

2011-11-03T00:51:00.002+08:00

Not everything has to be defined or categorized to be accepted.

Reality need not be labeled and accepted to be real.

Just like unearned applause doesn't make the best humor.

At the end of the day, put your hand on your heart and close your eyes

"I'm sorry" for all that was lacking, and wipe away your tears

"Thank you" for the ability to be grateful, and sleep off with a smile on your lips.

(for all the little things in life, that keeps a life alive)

Half of My Heart.

2011-10-30T15:36:00.002+08:00

Now, sometimes, I would sleep with my mobile off. Just to remedy the obsession to it, and to reduce the chances of getting a brain tumor.

And to understand people who can live without it, or at least without being so attached to it.

The whole of my days, and more than half of my nights, are mostly about other people. Trying to make things right (or at least better) and trying to live up to the expectation of others.

Maybe that is why I don't mind the daily traveling. With the windows rolled down, and with the music of my own choice, that's the 40mins I own and I need, to start the day and to end each day.

As much as I want and crave for the chance of being able to let it fly, I wonder if jumping into the bandwagon is really actually the wisest thing one can do. Hey maybe I can live that kinda life. Am I not after all the silver lining girl?

Maybe not. Maybe there's that kind of love that allows you to grow, and to shine, and to be something so much more that you think you can be. Maybe miracles do happen.

Is it really? That life happens when you are busy making plans? Or is it really? That failure to plan is planning to fail? Half of my heart, HALF of my heart is saying I'm right. A quarter of my heart is saying mama is right. The other quarter is saying, if ayah is here, he would be the one to push mama to say what she said.

The whole of my mind is saying Allah knows what is in each of our hearts. And I really should leave everything to Him, while making the best of everything. The whole of my mind is also saying God knows the silly girl in me needs a smack in the head every once in a while.

"But I remember last year I told myself I'd take every picture and chance like each day was my last. Well, it's easy saying things like that. But life has got a way of distracting your dreams and handing you worries."

Maybe I should start to not let that happen. Maybe I am said to be drastic and old-fashioned, I think it's time we set our sights and our priorities right. Regardless how scared and uncertain we are. We do, after all, have the strongest rope to hold on to, our Faith.

Somebody told me.

2011-10-29T21:08:00.002+08:00

We can change this world.

All it takes

is a Wing

and a Prayer.

Pssst, this, InsyaAllah, will be solely the project of Definitely Maybe, Ask Again. Appreciate it if it can stay that way. Outside of SHNH the girl, the FB, or the lawyer.

And no, it's not gonna be original. But who is nowadays? Got an idea? Google it, it's there. =)

And when you jump up, the earth wants you back.

2011-10-24T00:24:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I am actually scared to dream.

The dream of achieving the best for myself.

I can't believe big dreams subdued me nonsensically.

When ayah specifically said "only the best things are for you"

When I keep on telling others "hey, His wealth is abundance, and vast, and it is all for us to seek".

I've been missing ayah so badly lately. I need his wisdom, his love.

This is waaaayyyy too foreign for me, or for any of us for that matter.

This is the time where I go all bratty and wrong silently screaming "did you have to do everything, e-ve-ry single effin thing, on your own when you were 19?? Or when you were 20? 21? Exactly. So back off"

Who said I'm all sugar, spice, and everything nice?

run fat boy run

2011-10-23T13:02:00.001+08:00

I am 2 weeks late. And the fun is always less when the enthusiasm is running out. But this post is "for what its worth".

For what its worth, I managed to finish up my 10km run in about 88mins. And the capped time was 110mins. And my bet was on 80mins.

So did I win? Like hell yeah!!

Like screw the bet. The bet was a proof of the naysayers of the world. It's like they say, you can win a war but still lose the battle. Because for me. That weekend was so cool I wanna do it over and over again. Though my body, especially my legs was sort of in a vegetative mode on Monday morning, totally worth it.

(one of my) favorite picture of the night

And the reason why that is (one of my) favorite picture of the night was because it was snapped AFTER the race has started and the crowd was already picking up their pace. It wasn't like we didn't have any chance to snap before that, we had plenty of chances kot, but hey, where's the fun in that. But of coz, I found myself in (a bit) shame after the dudes behind us was like "sempat lagi ambil gambar! tadi taknak".

And I like it coz that's a camwhore snap with the three of us, me Haxi and the guy in glasses. Only the guy was a little behind us, maybe his leg had a cramp and had to pause for a while.

We were then separated from the beginning of the race. So I basically went through the 10km on my own. Hence the FB status update and texting while running. It was a mistake to forget to bring my music with me.

It wasn't only the running part that got me hooked to that night. There was a lot more of its before and after. And it really was a pleasant surprise to bump into Aidil. (i know rite! of all the people). Like always, he was more than anything else, still his cheeky self. Makes me kind misses him, but not enough. =D And there was Erma (but I basically see her every other day, so..pfft. but eh, Haxi pun!) Catching up with Joy, Wendy and Eliv totally helped in missing them the other days.

And after the run, we had to go through another marathon. Like seriously. Whenever I was about to fall asleep, someone would start saying something loudly just to get my attention. It was an awesome sleepover with the girls. And a long time since ALL of us was in the same room trying to push each other off the bed.

And the first time EVER having it at Mary's place.

Somehow, from having secured a place right in the middle of the bed, I ended up on the floor. Proves what kind of violent girls you guys are.

And woke up to a duo wannabe rapping Super Bass. Like, seriousshit. -____-"

Lessons learnt:

1. 15th and 16th Oct 2011 was definitely a tiring weekend, all the sores from working a hard week, was badly aggravated. But. Totally worth it. Or as Amal would say, "woffit. totally woffit".

2. Me & Haxi, we make a good running team. Malakoff in December oki? =D

3. Me & and the guy in glasses up there, we make a good running team. He helped me push myself to the limit, thinking he was waiting for me at the podium while I was only at kilometer 6. But he totally sucked at directions. (maybe that's why he finished later? maybe sesat sebenarnye!)

4. I can run a 10km run.

5. Ali can rap to Super Bass. And she's Super Excited about it.

6. Lind ALWAYS make me wanna cry. Me & Haxi had to sleep on the bench at the playground (seriously! and with our medals summore!) and on a growling stomach waiting for the girls to find her.

7. We can run 10km and still stay up messing with each other's life and sleep.

8. An important footie game may not be everything to a guy.

9. Sleeping-in during the weekend is not the best stress-reliever.

10. Aim for the sun. Wise man was wise.

xoxo!

short-sighted.

2011-10-18T21:45:00.003+08:00

We like to do the things that makes us happy.

We like ourselves when we are doing the things we like to do.

That's pretty easy.

But we often forget that not everyone is as privileged

or as brave as we are.

We are often told not to do things just because everyone else is doing,

or because we are told to do so.

We take pride in ourselves when we are able to say 'no. I have my own thoughts on it'.

But who of us is wise enough to pray the things we like to do, the things we love, the things that makes us happy now; is one of His gifts to us, to stay with us and still be our source of happiness, in the Hereafter?

"help me make this right"

is not the same with

"help me not make this a wrong"

I'm the associate in-charge, here's my card.

2011-10-09T23:07:00.000+08:00

I can be a total brat sometimes. Or a bratty bitch. Or a bitchy brat. Go on, take your pick. If I can have my way (I have to put the "if", coz I think I have learned enough that we don't get everything we want. But that sure doesn't stop us from wanting, eh), I want the world to always be on my side.

This is about work.

This is about me being a first year lawyer.

I don't know how every other girl lawyers do it, but in all honesty, I'm not having it easy. I salute those who can keep their cool at all times, in trial and in drafting and in meetings, coz I can't. Like said, keeping steady is not my strong suit.

But then again, neither is rigidity.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have never worked so hard before. I was always too cool for school. My constant prayer every semester during my undergrad has always been "Dear Allah, please help me this time. I know I skipped too many classes, and even when I'm in class, I rarely give any attention to it. I push my assignments to the last seconds before (or after) the datelines. But tomorrow is final exam, help me, I promise I'll be better next semester."

For every semester, the same prayer. Gosh kan. But alhamdulillah, He always answer my prayers. Like, always. Oki in my defense, my study pattern works for me oki? (altho not good enough to get a First Class la kan. Obviously, God is fair kot)

So ya. Now I work hard. (disclaimer: at least to my personal standard) And I work hard because I want to. Or at least, I try to work hard, because I want to, and I feel like I need to. The responsibilities are huge, and I'm always on the verge of crying whenever I feel overwhelmed. And believe me, that happens a lot of time. And I have only been a lawyer for about 5 months.

And I want the world to always be on my side.

I get into my defensive mode when the law society and clients take one look at me and doubt was written all over their faces. (oh well, more often than not, I get it straight into my face when they don't keep their doubt implied, at all) So I put my glasses on. My effort to say;

Hey, I may be a be a girl, but I'm still a lawyer oki. Pfft.

And then I get all teary and sad when work gets overwhelming and I feel like choking for air. So I took my glasses off and hold back tears. My effortless attempt to point out;

Hey, I may be a lawyer, but I'm still a girl oki!! *sobbing*

Yes, I want the world to always be on my side. I need that.

Because I actually like my job, so I want to be good at it.

I want to at least try to give my best. Eventho Yoda said;

Do or do not, there is not try.

And I guess I owe a lot of apologies to a lot of people, a lot of friends.

I know I have been a sucky friend lately. I don't return calls, messages, inboxes, and keeps on FFK-ing invites. From the bottom of my heart, and the top of my cluttered brain, I'm sorry. I know, being occupied with work is not a good reason to be that sucky friend. But there's no other reason I can give, unless you don't mind me lying. Maybe I need time, to adjust and adapt into this new life, or maybe I just need time, to give myself a chance, to be the best that I can be. Either way, I hope for your best wishes and prayers.

If you have other lawyer friends who is not such a sucky friend like me, let's put it into this perspective; maybe Hana is not such a cool lawyer, she needs to put in extra efforts to something a cool lawyer can do effortlessly. The way I see it, that is probably it.

It's 11.20pm. I passed my 10.30pm bedtime. If I don't get my sleep, I'm afraid I'm might cry tomorrow.

Hey, I may be an associate, but I'm still a kid oki! *chokes*

These Thoughts

2011-10-02T15:03:00.001+08:00

Short-cut:
The fastest way to feel a rush of liberation is to chop your hair. Boy, it feels good to be a boy. To dry your hair, just shake your head. (you know, like a cat)

No mountain too high:
I tried to live a life of no regrets, but this is one of my weak moments. I really should have forget about the world and jumped of at the idea. And few hours back, I could have been on top of Mount Kinabalu with Freddie the Frog. (coz he's jumpy like that and I soo wish I'm in Sabah now!)

If you're on a diet, don't hang around the desert cart:
Pointless to ban everyone from having a piece of the cake, for your sake. I'm not sorry that I took a stand and had a kinda tough time saying no to my favorite people.

I just read somewhere that while it is all good and dandy to be vocal about our stand against Zionism, burning flags, and etc; but what good could that bring if we cannot bring ourselves to wake up for Subuh and ask for His help against His enemies?

I'm not in the position to say "they shouldn't have made the Charity Night at a club", but I'm in the position to say to myself "I shouldn't go", and then be adamant about it. It goes back to the tale of the of the wise man on top of the mountain, and then a man from a village below came to seek for his help because the village was in a civil war. The wise man said to the man "after my prayers, I will go down and give the first poor man I see a meal". (the moral of the story is somewhere along the lines of "to change the world, we first have to change ourselves" kinda.)

Our Prophet (pbuh) said that the greatest jihad is within ourselves.

I'm not strong enough to take on the world, and I'm not sorry about that. So long as I keep on pushing myself to consistently take the next step ahead. I'm not saying anyone else is wrong, but I think I owe it to myself to at least try not to be wrong.

Definitely maybe, ask again:
Someone told me that sometimes fate and dreams can collide. But the more I think of it, I think when we think fate and our dreams are clashing, and we opt let go of either, than the one we let go is not fated for us after all.

Lately keeping steady is not my strong suit. (not that it ever was! but it was badly deteriorating, until I decided I shouldn't let it get any worse than this) But it is oh-so hard when the silence is getting louder. And I couldn't help but to feel like kicking myself because the last time I was complaining about the over-flowing emotion thrown at me, couldn't stand that either. Sheesh, karma is such a bitch. (Linda! Apa nih!)

I keep on telling myself it could be easier this way, as we both don't know how 2012 is gonna be. Fate and dreams can collide...yeah, can't I just have both, please?

The greedy fish seller:
And then I was reminded that every time we are praying, the first thing we have to do is to say our thanks. Well I don't do that. I go straight to the asking part, to ask for more and more.

Motivated by greed? Maybe I am. But the way I see it, if I have to list out all that I'm thankful for, ummm, I won't be able to live. So it's like this for me, I'm thankful for mama. But I don't go to God and say "thank you for mama", but I think He knows how precious mama is to me when I pray "dear God, please protect mama from pain and harm, please grant mama Your Jannah, together with ayah".

Sometimes when I am not sure of my intention, I try to follow my conscience, praying if my heart is clouded, at least guide my head with clarity. And at all times, He always knows what is hidden, we don't.

Running low on borrowed time:
Yes, I have to throw everything at once coz every other day, I'm thankful enough if I can have that few minutes to write a few lines.

I want to have everything at once oki. I want to be good at what I do, and I want to always to be able to smile to the boy who always make it an effort to make me laugh silly, and I want to make my mama proud of me, I want to always have enough time to roll on the floor, or something, with my girl friends, I want not to be tired at night and able to smoke something with them I barely see, and I want my 'me' time to read all the books ayah read, and I want to have enough strength to read the Quran daily and not push my Isya' to the minutes before Subuh. And I want to be able to run daily. And I still want to have enough of extra sleep. (contradicting? yup)

okigotogobye. *walks away* (like I usually do)

Don't trust me.

2011-10-01T00:48:00.000+08:00

1. I have short attention span.

2. I contradict myself all the time.

3. I want to be everything at once.

4. I don't really know when to stop.

5. I don't really know where to start.

6. I am unable to detect a lie.

I call it Divine Intervention...

2011-09-27T22:58:00.000+08:00

that I gawked. and then I drooled.

only for a different reason than I did before.

the good kinda difference.

but I do not regret before.

if I do, it wouldn't be a Divine Intervention.

and all lessons learnt are.

that's a good news.

and so are you.

so am I, and the changes I found through you.

No Good Advice

2011-09-22T18:09:00.001+08:00

Selling cleverness, and buying bewilderment.

Something impulsive, maybe it has the same reason for hunches.

Why try to solve the mysteries?

I'll let the possibilities sweeps me off my feet.

*toss hair, walks away*

hmmmph.

I could be wrong.

2011-09-18T12:21:00.001+08:00

I need my space.
As much as the distance between you to me.
(I have my heart at the right place, but that place is a million miles away)

I need you.
As much as the loved you have given me.
(We are like echoes, we persist, even when the source is gone)

When I call 012 209 1973
I need to hear your voice on the other end.
(Even when I know you're looking down out for me)

The rest of the world can only wonder.
(the saddest girl is the luckiest girl in the whole wide world)

Kerana Kesempurnaan Bukan Milik Kita

2011-09-15T15:53:00.005+08:00

“anger left unsaid is never regretted”

That is one of ayah’s principle that I try to live by. And I myself can’t stand bad-tempered people anyway. Maybe it’s the way I was brought up, where anger doesn't have that much space to grow. So really, bad-tempered people scares me, coz I don’t know how to deal with them.

Usually I just walk away. And on that, I don’t intend to change my way.

You know how we should treat other people the way we like to be treated? Yes, THAT. Hence why when I’m angry, I will push myself to walk away. It has been proven hundred times, that it is true, that anger left unsaid is never regretted.

Oh no, I'm not angry (at least not now). As every fall is a lesson learnt, I guess that is His way of giving my daily lessons (since I skipped through law school mostly being phased out during lectures and being absent-minded and/or physically-absent during tutorials. Yup, me & Mary are the ones who thinks we are too cool for school.), it is now my daily routine to deal with other people's anger. And damn! this world is filled with undue anger and unearned hatred.

But that's them. (I have rainbows & butterflies & unicorns in my head, so they say)

As for me, I rather crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep rather than taking it out on others, even if the taking out is on the person I’m angry with. I rather not.

The world would be a much better place if all of us could just breathe in, and say “it’s oki, let’s sleep on it and we’ll talk about it tomorrow, over an ice-cream treat. Oki, dah-ling?”

But of coz, an impatient girl like me sometimes succumbs to my emotional-temper. No, I’m neither a bad-tempered nor a mild-tempered person. But I follow my heart, and my heart is a tad too sensitive for my pride’s liking. Because of that, I could go “pfft. who cares” but internally, I’m crying like a child missing her favorite doll. True story.

When I can, I don't throw around my anger and temper because I know better. But when I don't cry, even to myself, more often than not, it is because I think emotions are stupid. And I, I should know better.

And my worry has always been my self-righteousness. It's a bit crazy since I am as silly as a clown can ever be, as oblivious as the katak tua bawah tempurung, as mengada and gedik as a Maryam LOL!!, oh and as bitchy as Lind can be! and as childish as baby Amni can be. I absolutely have no right to ever feel that self-righteousness. But somehow, one way or another, I always go "what nonsense. pfft". Even when I'm as wrong as pronouncing "mustache" as "mausss-tach".

It's crazy, I tell you. Everything is.

The good thing is that I’m pushing myself to learn and to accept that beyond my sadness, beyond my anger, beyond my worries, beyond my happiness and beyond my anxiety; there is something greater. And I can let them all go and leave it to that One Greatness.

If only I’m a fast-learner in life and in faith as I was when I was an undergraduate. Ha ha ha. Pfft.

Even after all these years, though I’m able to fully grasp the concept, I can never walk the talk of “most worries are reruns”. I’m slow that way.

This is the epitome of my absurd imperfection. Like said, "nasib baik Raya setahun sekali, kalau tak habis dah jari dia".

But hey, when every fall is a lesson learnt, I think every cut is a stepping-stone.

This (I mean, that) is a messy affair. No doubt about it. The mighty collusion between what I want, and what I need, what I am supposed to do, and above all, all the unknown variables I am currently unable to comprehend, I can only pray my faith is strong enough to surpass them all.

I hope I hope for you, by trusting Him. I hope I get to you, by going back to Him. I hope I reach you, by holding on to Him.

A Lot Like Love

2011-09-04T23:46:00.003+08:00

"La Hawla Wa La Quwwata illa Billah"

There is no power and strength except with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala.

"Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un"

Indeed we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return.

All that I have truly belongs to You. For all that You've taken back from me, please replace them for all that is better for me, my family, my life, my death, and most of all my Faith.

For all the hurt and pain in my heart, I leave it to You to Heal. For all that I'm seeking for, I leave it at Your Mercy. For all that I cannot see or understand, I leave it to Your Knowledge and Wisdom. For all that is lost, I beg for Your Love.

Ameen.

Honesty is still is, the best policy.

2011-09-02T00:05:00.005+08:00

Ramadhan has left and I've started struggling in keeping faith close at heart and warm in the mind.

And this is how I know I am better off without knowing or realizing who my readers are. I find my comfort in thinking Mary and Haxi are my only readers. I really like to be able to be my most honest self here, coz I know I can't be anywhere else.

Everywhere else, my ego always gets the better of me. Everywhere else, experience has taught me to know better.

Yup, I know, my bubble has been burst a lot of times. And I realize that my readers are not limited to those two up there, nor is it limited to family and in-laws. (ha ha ha: yes, that's the dry laugh)

But you know what, I don't mind. But for what its worth, in my mind, I'll be living in my little bubble still. Because I really do want to get better, and the last thing I need is hesitant. For fear of judging minds. For fear of pleasing/ displeasing someone.

Because really, I'm trying to educate myself that the only one I have to please, the only one I need to fear, is only the Almighty God.

And as for the rest of us, we are here to learn from each other.

So for its worth, here's to honesty. Even if it means revealing my super sensitive self, even if it means ignoring the years of experience, just to let my heart be heard.

So this, I wrote this for you.

Dear you,

Please don't get me wrong. Please don't let me get you wrong. I know for a fact, more often than not, we don't see things as they are, but we see things the way we are.

But I've been with a cool guy. But that was never my reason coz I've always know that is never good enough of a reason.

The mind is a beautiful thing. But just like all of His other gifts for us in this world, it is passing. And something so ephemeral can never be good enough of a reason.

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. And we both know as hearts can change, the eyes will follow. And perhaps we like something that is not good for us, hence that should never be good enough of a reason.

Companionship is rewarding, and joyful. But I will never need you, and I will never miss you, if that is is ever good enough of a reason.

A thousand songs of singing praises can only say as much as the words end.

Dear you,

We say a lot less with a

"because I care."

But at least that should mean something, or it could mean everything.

Because if you don't, then you don't. But I think I deserves to know that.

In all honesty, I hate being over-sensitive. But pardon me, sometimes I can't help but to feel what I feel. Or maybe I just being a girl.

Dear you,

In the Holy Quran, surah Al-an'am; 6:17 it is said "If Allah afflicts you with any harm, none can relieve you other than Him. And if He blesses you with happiness, you should know He has power over everything."

That verse touches my heart at this moment. Every time my heart drops out of missing you, instead of looking for you, I say "astghafirullahhalazim". Because even if it is you that I'm missing, it is Him I'm seeking out for. And it is only Him who can give me comfort. But I do pray that His comfort will come to me in the form of.. you.

And every time you make me smile, I hope I never forget to say my thanks to Him. And maybe silently prays that we could stay on. Because in my heart I've always known, He can take you away anytime. And should that happen, even if I do cry, I hope I'll be able to accept it.

I hope we get that.

And something learned from Eid, for all those "ha yang ni, bila nak kawen?" annoyance, I found the answer formed in my head repeatedly was

"makcik, saya tak risau bila nak kahwin. InsyaAllah ikut ketentuan Ilahi la kan. Yang saya risau nye (in a serious makcik tone), kahwin dengan siapa. Saya sedih kalau suami tak pegangkan rambut saya time saya muntah2 morning sickness. Itu tak boleh tu. Haa tak ke lagi elok makcik tolong doa kan suami saya nanti insyaallah nye, yang alhamdulillah, boleh membawa dan dibawa ke syurga."

Like seriously, to hold my hair when I puke, that's a must.

You know why?

Because that shows you how much you care.

Chasing Jannah

2011-08-25T23:36:00.010+08:00

If I could, dear Lord the Almighty,

I would pray that You take away everything that has been stealing me away from You

And I would pray the same for the people I love

But I couldn't

You know what is in our hearts

You know how easily broken I can get

And I am afraid of being helpless and hopeless

I guess I should have check the faith within me.

But in all seriousness, O The Most Merciful,

In all seriousness

I just want to feel better, I need to get better

So in my prayers I beg for You

I beg for You to make me braver

I beg for You to make me understand better

And ask for Your Grace to give me the strength to pray

"O Allah, I'll take on anything. Give me anything, if the end result is Your Jannah

Let me be steadfast in asking and crying to You

The prize I am seeking doesn't come cheap, nor am I deserving of it

Help me believe and guide me to accept with full devotion

All that You put me through, You will walk me through."

I am looking for that day

For that day when I shall stop crying and sobbing

"O Allah, have mercy on me. Stop this pain. End all the heartaches. I am after all, just a girl."

O Allah, You said "ask, and You shall receive",

So please, light up Your Guidance upon me, make me durable and;

Guide my tongue to be the evidence of Your Wisdom and Love

(for I sometimes curses like a sailor)

Guide my mind to always be mindful of Your commandments

(for I most of the time bend myself for the commands of the unmindful)

Guide my heart to always love for Your sake only and guide my heart to be able to give love that is an extension of Your love

(for I have always been mislead by my own interpretation of love)

Guide my brain to be able help those in need, in the hope they will see it is all by Your Grace

(for nothing will come easy unless You permit it to be so)

Guide my soul to always be strong enough to stand by the conviction of "there is no Lord but Allah SWT, and Muhammad SAW is His prophet" the way I did when my forehead was touching the soothing ground of Your house

Guide my soul to be tender, to always feel sweetly mushy and to always be amazed each time I see Your wonders and feel Your Greatness

Guide my faith please, protect me from arrogance and ignorance and shelter me with humility and understanding

Guide me, Ya Allah, for I am scared I could get worse and be among the heedless and I am scared to have a hardened heart

Guide me, for I always forgets, guide me to be free of being needy of others

Guide me, for only through Your Love and Guidance, can I ever dream of becoming better.

Ameen.

Take me to the path that leads to Your Jannah,

take me to be able to hug ayah again and again.

InsyaAllah.

Gifts and Curses (that's a song)

2011-08-20T07:14:00.010+08:00

"It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder? What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things."

"It's like when my doctor told me the story of these two brothers whose dad was a bad alcoholic. One brother grew up to be a successful carpenter and never drank. The other brother ended up being a drinker as bad as his dad was. When they asked the first brother why he didn't drink, he said that after he saw what it did to his father, he could never bring himself to even try it. When they asked the other brother, he said that he guessed he learned how to drink on his father's knee. So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

"She would tell him what she wanted in her life--her hopes and dreams for the future--and he would listen intently and then promise to make it all come true. And the way he said it made her believe him, and she knew how much he meant to her."

"I wish I might take this for a compliment; but to be so easily seen through I am afraid is pitiful."

In all seriousness;

I can't remember the last time I had a week with everything in it.

Courtroom drama is taking a new height on me.
Having a sad/crying-face is taking a new height on my career!
But I guess rather than to continue with the bad attempts of losing it, I really should just embrace everything with a higher note of dignity and grace.

"tak macho betul perempuan ni!" (though that is just about right... pfft!)

Sometimes too much.

Sometimes too little.

Everything is actually perfect.

That's the paradox of life.

Would it be nice?

2011-08-14T16:23:00.000+08:00

So the other day one of my favorite blogger posted this as his status:

I wonder whether honestly all of us, regardless of faith and belief, would do good deeds, pray, fast, pay Zakat and perform the Haj and refrain from doing evil if there's no reward or sin and no heaven or hell.

Being stuck in the morning rush on my way to the Court, I tried to answer that to myself.

Would I, if there's no heaven or hell, pray and do good deeds and try as much as I can not to indulge myself into evils.

At first I thought, does that mean I could kill whoever I don't like?? (I don't even have to hate, disliking should be enough of a reason), steal whatever I could get my hands on, and maybe get into a string of open relationships and just la-la my life until its over.

The next question crossed my mind was, "BUT WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT??"

So maybe if there's no heaven or hell, I wouldn't be praying 5 times a day and in a certain manner. But knowing myself, I know I would still pray. Even if it's just a random "dear God" every now and then. Because that's the nature of human beings. We need something superior to hold on to, as us by ourselves, can never be enough.

Would I fast?

If there's no heaven or hell, maybe not at the specific time of the year. But I would, when I know about the perks of fasting. And maybe out of protest, like a hunger strike or something like that.

Would I pay zakat?

If there's no heaven or hell, I would definitely NOT pay to institutionalized body and trust them for the nation's wealth distribution. But I know, I would still feel sick to my stomach if I'm gobbling down luxurious food but my neighbor is sleeping on an empty stomach. Even if there is no heaven or hell, my heart will still drop when I watch the news on tsunami and earthquakes, and I will still wonder how are they coping with it and what can I do to lessen the pain. So yes, I wouldn't do zakat, but I would still help wherever and however I can. I think empathy is also human nature.

(but because there is heaven and hell, I'm paying to the institutionalized bodies for the zakat and just have to leave it to God to move the hearts of the people handling the money to be able to have the strength to distribute the wealth accordingly and honestly.)

Would I perform haj?

If there is no heaven or hell, most prolly I wouldn't. But at the same time, most prolly I would take a hiatus and go to Bali in search of Ketut. Why do we perform umrah/haj. I know it's a requirement, but if that is the only reason, why is there so many Muslims who hasn't done their haj or even have the intention of doing so? It is because we still have a choice. We have an obligation, yes. But we can still choose to do it or to ignore it. So in my opinion, people don't go to umrah/haj because they have to. But mostly because they want to, because they are in need of something, and hence because they are hoping to find what they need. It's purely freewill.

Thus, if there is no heaven or hell, I would go to Bali searching for Mr Ketut, because even if there's no heaven or hell, I would still need some spiritual guidance.

If we could do whatever pleases our whims and fancies, I honestly doubt we would be happy. The way I see it, we are not robots. But we are spiritual beings, capable of getting hurt and capable of hurting, and with the ability to heal and to be healed. And most of all, we are capable of loving and to be loved.

So if I could do all the wrong things, I bet my whole life my mom wouldn't be happy. Because I wouldn't be happy. No one would be. If our life is without a guideline, everyone would be hurting everyone. Lovers would cheat, parents would ignore, children would be disobedient, employees would be lazy, employers would be abusive.

You could say even if there's no heaven or hell, there would still be laws and regulations, and maybe even moral. But who are we kidding? When we are driving in the wee hours of the morning, why don't we obey the traffic lights? It's because we know no one is watching, and even if, that's is not such a big wrong.

The way I see it, faith is the foundation of all good things. We don't do certain acts because we are told to do so. We do it for ourselves, because we want to feel something, or to feel like we belong somewhere. And because we could love and just by loving, we want the people we love to have the best of everything. And to be able to give the best, we push ourselves to be the best that we can be.

So yeah, if there is no heaven or hell, I would give my all to lead a fulfilling life in this world. So I would still want to be good. And I still wouldn't want to see the people I love getting hurt.

In all the Wisdom of the Almighty, that is why He sent down Islam not merely as religion, to impose laws and conditions on us, but to be our guideline, as a way of life. So InsyaAllah, we will be able to attain happiness, in this world, and the hereafter.

Having said that, out of the randomness in my head, (or maybe that's the perk of being an unsung genius!) and as I'm writing this I seriously can't remember what event triggered me to think of;

We have something to learn from the imbecile and the loser. We have something to learn from the sage and the winner. We always have something to learn.

Maybe it was in one of the series of events of me feeling utterly incompetent as a lawyer. -__- In the hope that, out of the stupidity and silliness I've stumbled upon myself, I will always have something to learn in each and every event of feeling like an idiot. (or more of a bimbo, every time I'm due in Court)

"I'm the happiest creature in the world. Perhaps other people have said so before, but no one with such justice. I am happier even than Jane; she only smile, I laugh."

- Pride & Prejudice.

And then I remember when she told me I couldn't possibly live my whole life trying to save someone, one after another. To which I ardently (or rather, defeatedly) state that should that be my fate, I have no choice but to abide.

But now that he came (stumbling) into my life, I just feel like throwing my head back and just laugh nonsensically feeling like I'm the (almost) happiest creature in the world. You know, like perhaps thousands have said so before, but no one with such justice. For I don't only laugh crazily, but I get to smile from the heart.

The way I see it, he turns out not so much of the boy I had crush on. Somehow and somewhere, my heart started telling me he could be the man I would be able to look up to. And oh dear, wouldn't that be nice? But hey, I have gone through enough. Enough to learn that;

"Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can."

-At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks.

*hey I just realized I'll be 24 this 24th!

When we forget to forget and when we forget to remember.

2011-08-05T20:29:00.009+08:00

Warning: This post is written in a state of utter exhaustion, mentally and physically, but insyaAllah not spiritually. So do bear with my whining and complaints.

(Hey, I was in the office before 6.45am this morning and had to go through the entire day trying to balance the Balance Sheet and status of a holding company oki! And every 15mins break was fully utilize to return emails and phone calls and drafting affidavit. So get of me! Pfft.)

Oki, first thing first: Please take me to see The Smurfs once it is out.

2nd thing: I wanna and needa to go to Barcelona.

3rd thing: I wanted to write about the idiotic 8TV racist tv advert. But then...

But still, I have to say this out juge :

Amboi amboooooii! Pandai mengata orang kan. It's so easy to point fingers, isn't it? It is so easy to ask people to respect you, right? But to act accordingly, to show you actually deserves the respect you're looking for, that's doesn't come free?

If you have the slightest idea about the true meaning of Ramadhan, or Islam, for that matter; you would know we were never taught or asked to point fingers and to "demand" respect. God. Since when you get respect out of demanding (in such a rude manner summore!) it, and by demeaning others?

Pfft. So ya. That's basically my point.

4th thing: Other than being so-much-less-tech-savvy than my brothers (that's my initial main reason) I have my own reasons why I do not insert any options on commenting my post. Other than the retarded chatbox on the side there, this is basically a one-way communication, isn't it?

Well, this is not suppose to be the typical communication we have going on every day. Here, sometimes (most of the time) I do not want to know your opinions and your thoughts on me, or on my thoughts. I understand I do not write in the most palatable or understandable in the most sense, but that is exactly my point. I do not mind being misunderstood, but neither do I want to know about it.

I welcome any comments on the facts that I write, or the analysis of a situation, whatsoever and whatnot (provided you know where to contact me la kan! haha) But for the rest of it, I'm thankful enough if you just hand me your heart for 5 mins, because if you care enough to read, I hope you care enough to feel and to think. And maybe to say;

"hey, maybe she's right"

And I would never need you to tell me that. Keep it to yourself, that's good enough for me.

And if the thought that crosses your mind is; "crazy girl. What kind of a dumbass is she to be saying things like that"

Again, if you have cared enough to read, take a breather, a do a probability test and say;

"Fine. Let's say, maybe, MAYBE she's right"

5th thing: I'm afraid. Hence I write. I write because I'm afraid of feelings that are not real, or if they are real. I write because I'm afraid of becoming fearless. I write because I need to acknowledge my fear. And I'm most afraid of fearing something I shouldn't.

(-Here I stop writing and bury my head in my pillow-)

Because I'm starting to be afraid.

And I'm scared of being angry. But I really do now wish to be told how to feel. Nor do I need to be told on how to show or to hide what I feel.

Do you have as much hand gestures when you talk as much as I do?

Exactly.

So please, let me keep what you might not know, and let me smile at what you think you know.

Because I can rightly balance my flight-risk percentage to my risk-taking line. The ratio shows I'm a good long-term investment.

(WTF is that??! I didn't realize Analyzing Financial Statement Course has THAT much impact on me!)

6th thing: "I must learn to love the fool in me. The one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and break promises, laughs and cries."

-Theodore Isaac Rubin

7th thing:

I don't want to have to take the next exit when it comes to you. As the song goes, if good men are hard to find, then luck is a friend of mine.

you'll be in my prayers, just because.

2011-07-30T21:49:00.001+08:00

If not, what else is there for everyone out there, who is more or less like me; still trying to find her place in this world and have to keep on reminding herself not to get too lost into the search coz there's more to life (which includes death) to it.

We're nearly there. Tomorrow InsyaAllah. Less than 24hours from now. (after Maghrib dah start Ramadhan oki esok!) =D Dear God, please let me go through this Ramadhan. And while You are at it, please guide me to go through this Ramadhan with full of pleasures and blessings and peace and happiness and repentance and bliss and everything that will make me able to smile a smile that comes from the heart.

A divine happiness and serenity.

Dear Ramadhan, I've been missing you. I can't wait, InsyaAllah. Dear God, please do not have it written that my soul is to be taken, like, within this 24hours. Please!

"On the Day of Judgement, Fasting will say: O My Lord, I prevented him from food and desires so accept my intercession for him,"

[Imam Ahmad]

One day, Imam Ahmad bin Hanbal's son, Abdullah, asked his father:

"Abi, when will we ever relax?"

His father, one of the greatest revivers of the Sunnah and a role model for all Muslims, looked him in the eye and said;

"with the first step we take into Jannah."

So yes, I know I will be busy with work still this Ramadhan. Clients and bosses doesn't stop expecting because it's Ramadhan. But I guess it's gonna be all good insyaAllah. The most amazing thing about this Holy Month for me is the mind set that we can have in our heads. It's prolly a real wonder, or a blessing in disguise, but I have always been a believer in taking things the good way out. Every thing that has to happen for us, is always good. Regardless of sucky it can be on the surface.

Just like Ramadhan. I might not be able to have my usual extreme dosage of caffeine, but maybe it will help me lessen the dependency I have on them! I mean seriously, I do get a lot of "it's not easy to fast all day long isn't it? I'll die man. I don't know how you guys do it." and even "but God is not suppose to make things hard for us, isn't it?"

Which I will always have my reply with a smile because that is honestly cute! It's not THAT hard guys, I'm lacking of science DNA in my blood but you can just Google it and you'll the wonders fasting can do to our body and mind. It's like diet, or detox, and everything good but never anything hazardous or damaging. And that's the scientific part of it, the spiritual part of it, is what I'm more looking forward for.

I fairly doubt I will be able to leave office even at 6, but insyaAllah I will make it a point (AND THIS IS MY RESOLUTION FOR THIS RAMADHAN) to always perform my terawih every single night of month, regardless how tired and sleepy I get. Always, even if its just 2 rakaat.

That's my promise to myself.

Hey, we gotta take what we can get right! And this month is gonna be as good as it can get.

A month of blessing and opening of the heavens doors. =)

So yeah, I think we shouldn't be mistaking exhaustion and tiredness as a depression. As long as we're moving and as long as we are trying, that is already a reason to stay hopeful; and thus be happy about it.

This superbly blessed month of Ramadhan is a God-given gift, let's make the best of it, and let's find our happiness in it!

xoxo! =D

Scared Shitless Syndrome (I call it the 3S-es)

2011-07-28T23:37:00.011+08:00

"I wanna curse"

"Hana, if you wanna curse, just curse. You don't just say you wanna curse."

"I know rite."

"Oh my God. I can't tahan this girl."

"I know riteeeee. Oh my Goddddd."

You know rite? To be the one locking up the office door at night is not a good feeling. At all. Especially when your work is yet to be done but you're just too scared of the ghosts that's haunting the place at night.

And I don't even believe in ghosts. Pfft.

If I can summarize the Girl Lawyer's life in ONE sentence, it would be:

"I like my job because I like the work and I have good bosses, they let me do things on my own from scratch so it's very challenging, which is very fun and very stressful, but in a good way kinda and my colleagues are nice helpful people but I miss my friends in SLB like crazy to the extent that I could cry to them but I wouldn't trade my cubicle here for a room there..and dear God, I'm just so exhausted sometimes that I wish I can just not let it get to me and let myself have that extra 5 minutes of sleep, coz anyway I'll be staying back late again tonight, so this sleep is good for my brain, which would be good for my work."

I've been missing Vi, my WeAreKindaScrewedArentWe?? darlin' so badly. =(

Now I don't feel like cursing anymore, I feel like crying just because I think I need a reboot and after shower I can start working again.

GEDDIT?!

I hate to complain about work, especially when I put myself in this situation and has no intention of coming out of it as a quitter. It's a marathon, and I need to (and badly want to. shhh!) persist.

Though I don't know that girl so well anymore, but dear God, is she not JUST a girl still?

And having said that,

I'm scared shitless now, just so you know.

Just so you know. Coz I know I don't act quite like that.

And it makes me wonder, after all these years, after all that we've been through, have we not geddit that whilst assumptions is the root to all m*****f*****, foreseeing things we have just a glimpse of knowledge about; is just as screwed up.

Just so you know, not everyone who is scared will stop fighting.

As cliche as it may sounds, it is true that sometimes is not about winning, it is about trying, trying wholeheartedly. As for me, if you are trying to be happy, just start to be, wholeheartedly.

Smile, it's contagious. I know yours is; to me.

So if you're scared as I'm, let's be scared together.

Then let's put our fear to rest, and unto Him.

And for what its worth, I set my heart right for you.

Since the moment your grin made me smile. =)

Note to Self via Productive Muslim:

Don't say to Prayer that I have to go for work.
Say to the work that I have to go for Prayers.

Prayer is first, everything else comes next.
And things will get easier coz you have His blessings.

Kicking It Out Of The Nest

2011-07-24T22:47:00.006+08:00

Fuhhhh Fuhhhh Fuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(that's me breathing in and breathing out)

I'm gonna be alright.

*pengsan*

Yet I keep telling people I'm fearless.

Pfft.

I need cucumber slices on my eyes.

2011-07-24T01:35:00.008+08:00

I think Kakak used to do that before. Putting cucumbers on the eyes.

And mama said my face looks tired these days.

Waking up at 5.30am and ending the day well after 11.30 will definitely get the cucumber-industry blooming, wouldn't it?

But I'm not complaining. This is how I choose to have it, for now.

And I'm cutting my coffee addiction too, slowly turning English (or Japanese)- so Franco Unamerican- and swimming into the tea-industry. Having tea with Cilz at T Forty-Two was an awesome way to spend a Saturday afternoon and ending a hectic Friday with the rest of my SLBloves with ocha-whatever (being half-Japanese doesn't mean I can pronounce the names!) God I wish I can always start off my weekends in such manner!

Oh I don't have pictures of any of the events, as I'm trying to decline the ever-persistence force of the Look-At-Me Generation. We should be able to know when we are happy, even without a Mobile Upload to prove it. Love is about two, or more, hearts connecting together, not when you have a long list at the "See Friendship".

If I'm wrong, then the girl who gave me this is a total stranger, a stalker perhaps!

Thanks Maryam, you hit my bull's eye by giving me this.

But I guess I wouldn't have it any other way, for now.

Didn't they always say, things will definitely fall into places. =)

"Brooke Davis, it's time you become the girl who gets the boy, and the baby."

*babies, in my case.

Rumor Has It:

I'm getting a twin?!

Of coz not.

I'm getting a boy?

Of coz not.

I'm getting what is due. Like always. Like for all of us, all the time.

It's only whether we are able to see it in everything before us, or we let everything and anything break us.

And enough with the rumors. Blowing other people's candle won't make your burns any brighter.

(altho Techno did say it can, in a vacuumed or no-oxygen room or something like that, but whatever! Details, pfft.)

Ameen O Allah the Most Wise, I lay everything for You to sort out for me. And I promise I'll try to do my best to get Your Blessings for all the love You've prepared for me.

Lift-Me-Up Note:

"Every human being has two sides, inner and outer. Whoever corrects his inner disposition, Allah will correct his outer disposition. Whoever corrupts his inner being, with sins, Allah will corrupt his outer being"

-Salman Alfarsi

Always give without remembering and always receive without forgetting.

2011-07-20T19:16:00.003+08:00

I think that is one of the grandest principle to live by. But I guess to a certain point of life, when we’ve been through a lot, we take the principle to the other side. When we get hurt, we keep the scar alive by playing it over and over again in our head. We thought by doing that we’ll be able to protect ourselves from future pain, to live in a covered shell with burning scars.

As for me, I want to be free. I want to be free of fear and keep on falling in love over and over again. I want to be free to laugh and to smile every time my heart is tickled by the joy of warmth and affection. If I write about my dad, if it is on sadness it is due to hole in my heart due to his departure. But that is not to say we had a flawless relationship before, we had arguments and he made me cry like a thousand times before, but I guess when the love is Heaven-sent, each time you touch your heart, you will only be able to see it’s beauty and none of pain and hurt.

And that is what I want for every other aspects of my life. Maybe I’m a little too dreamy and too careless in letting my imaginations running wild. Maybe by being so, I am opening to myself a hundred doors of hurt and pain. But if I can always give without remembering and to always receive without forgetting, for every day of my life, I have thousands of doors to keep me shiny and bright. I think I’ll take the chances.

Then I need the ability to listen to what is not being said. Or, the ability not to over-analyze what is not being said. Sometimes I wish the world is made of two people. Me and you. And you being someone I can lie under the sun with, grinning together. That’s it. Imagine that, super perfect. But I wouldn’t last more than 5 minutes. Then I will start to laugh, and maybe roll myself around, or worse, starts to roll you around. Silly as that may sound, it’s reasonable like hell, isn’t it? Because the world is not made of two people. The world is not made of grinning-you and grinning-me. Other than me, there are others loving you at the same exact moment I’m loving you. And other than you, before you, after you, all the while you are loving me, there are others waiting for me to come home.

And that is not suppose to be a bad thing.

Because the moment we decided to love someone, that should be a beautiful moment because we realized we found ourselves something beautiful. And every blooming flower must have its roots. God doesn’t make it to fall out of the sky on its on. We are who we are because of the people around us. And good things are meant to be shared.

So I can’t decide now. I’m lacking of sleep and being deprived of some necessity brings out the softest in me. But I guess at times like these, when I don’t trust myself enough to decide on something, should I think be my most honest moment.

In case it is a disappointment, please be noted that I do not write on politics. My bones are lacking the elements to be a world hero, but I do have certain issues close to my heart and mind; and that involves the Palestinian crisis, the Syrian humanitarian crisis, my country Malaysia, Dashboard Confessional, and how much I can’t stand people who litters. All that and a lot more, each is a part of me being my own person, with my own opinion, and most of all, my own heart.

And my heart speaks for what it race for.

Not like all the other boys.

2011-07-17T23:39:00.002+08:00

I wish I can say I swear to God.

But I can't.

Even if I could, I doubt I would.

Often I say I feel like fainting.

Truth be told,

I rather be laughing,

Or trying to hold back the laughter,

Until the tears started to appear.

I wouldn't mind that at all.

Not a little, not at all.

Can we repeat that please?

Roll. And then back again.

2011-07-13T23:38:00.002+08:00

I miss wholehearted-ness.

I can't quite remember the last time I'm a privy to such idealism.

Even in trying I don't think I have been able to let it burst.

Should try to kick it out of the nest, see if it can fly.

Maybe if we kick it together, it'll fly higher.

Come, let's roll with me, wholeheartedly.

Saya Anak Bangsa Malaysia

2011-07-10T02:04:00.016+08:00

09.07.11 was a good day to be a proud Malaysian. Wherever you were. You could be in Singapore, or in Melbourne, or in the UK, or in Korea, or in the monitoring center at the Bar Council, or on the streets running from the tear gas that was shot; anywhere and everywhere, be proud that we have gone up a notch.

We did it, the Malaysian style.

Where was I on this teary-teary day? (Teary coz of the gas, and teary coz its was so touching!).

Well, up until 6pm I was at home in my pajamas. Not much of a fighter, eh?

09.07.11 marks a history for me. My Facebook updates was, urm for the first time ever, VERY lively. So much so that I thought of having a Twitter account. (I don't have one due to personal beliefs and principles) What more that I was following the tweets of Edmund Bon, Malaysian Insider, Bersih 2.0, LoyarBurok, and Lembaga Lebuhraya Malaysia.

Why the semangat?

Well one thing for sure, I was brought up to believe in making principles and fighting for it. I was taught to pick a stand. And most of all, I was taught to be a learned believer in standing up to my principles. Just like The Script's song where they say "you gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything". Like that.

With all the blatant intimidation and public threats that has been going on for weeks now (including scripted khutbah solat Jumaat for 2 weeks summore!) and most of all, blockage of transportation; who would have thought approximately 100k Malaysian was there on the streets of KL, hand in hand, making human-chain, in the most civilized way possible.

SO. After at 4.30 I took my shower and left home around 6pm. There was no point for me to come out any sooner than that since KL-Seremban traffic was insane since the night before. One of Malaysia's most busiest highway turned into a bottle-neck ONE lane road. Seriously. And THEY had the balls of creating nonsense that BERSIH is bad for businesses of the country.

Anyway, thank God I did what I did as by that time, the highway was fully operational again. Though it was so deserted that you can actually roll yourself across the highway, and then roll yourself back again.

After a while me & Wani picked Smelly Shimmy (*name changed NOT to for security purposes, but coz that's really his name now onwards) from LRT Ampang Park. The trains had just started operating again. I don't know how Zz & Imin went home. But I sure salute those dads who earlier during the day walked (and ran) for miles to reach the Merdeka Stadium (and to stay dry) with thousands others. The effort of picking up Smelly Shimmy made me feel so proud of myself. Like one detainee said "for once I feel like I did something more for my country other than just paying taxes".

So why such pride in such little thing as picking up a friend at the train station?

Coz he was smelly, duh. I had to roll down the windows, and keep on asking him to just roll out of my car. In his defense, he had the privilege of being the first-hand smoked ball in-haler. (shouldn't be so different from being a chain-smoker right? pfft). Oki so I'm exaggerating, Muih's shoes was much worse of coz. And to pick him up, to be at the PULAPOL throughout the night; I'd do it all over again.

For Malaysia.

Reaching the PULAPOL, with all the turned heads and questioning eyes; I never felt so.... "seriously?Don'tlookatmeliddat!I'mjustakid!!". Yup. And the crowd whispered (obviously not so much of whispering la kan)..."lawyers".

Before crossing the street to the main gate Smelly Shimmy said "H, be a good lawyer for my bro".

-_____-"

Seriously? I'm just a kid. In a pair of blue stripey shoes summore!

Thank God it turned out we wouldn't have to do any remand process. The police force promised to let all the detainees out. Little by little. Truck by truck. And... IC by IC.

This is Smelly Shimmy's brother; whom I later had the honour of having a cuppa with after a long day for both of the brothers. https://www.facebook.com/notes/abdul-haleem/bersih-20-was-it-worth-it/252906668059703 (of coz it was worth it!)

During my few hours in front of the PULAPOL gate and the whole day getting updates through the net and through the phone from those on the grounds (for God sake, forget the mainstream media already!); I honestly felt teary through it all.

It is not for me to say what happened on the ground, coz I wasn't there during the day rally. But these few days, you can just click on one blog, and it will lead to hundred others. And I strongly recommend this:

http://www.art-harun.blogspot.com/

now for the serious talk:

WHY I SUPPORT BERSIH 2.0 WHOLEHEARTEDLY.

and guess what, I only have 1 answer to that.

WHY SHOULDN'T I?

1. Because you're a Malay dammit! Inilah Melayu, bodoh suka ikut-ikut orang. Kerajaan dah bagi semua benda, tak reti nak bersyukur lagi?

TAK. (would I be a traitor if I just leave my answer at that? Fine)

See. I have never watched Akademi Fantasia because I think its a complete waste of time and intelligence. If that makes me a "Melayu tak sedar diri", then so be it. The way I see it, the usual notion of "cukup lah ada makanan atas meja, bumbung atas kepala" is the most idiotic principle one can live by. And the way I see it, a great leader is a great leader; a good cause, is a good cause; an injustice is an injustice; regardless of the colour and the creed the personality attached to it.

I know a lot of people think racial unity is rhetoric. Those people, regardless of their stand, should be in the Bersih 3.0 rally. I can prove you, the people of Malaysia will show you; that racism only exists when the powers-that-be incite it. At the ground level, we can love each other, if you just let us be. I know, because I am part of that love in my everyday life.

2. Because you're a Muslim, astghafirullah! Ambiga is the enemy of Islam!

And I guess you're the champion of Islam? Throwing curses and slander, inciting hatred among the people, that is Islam? Forcing scripted Friday khutbah, that's just being pious? And may I ask you, since when does the non-Muslims has the obligation to protect and uphold our Faith? I thought you and me is suppose to do that.

And for the record, for God's sake, Ambiga wasn't the counsel for Lina Joy's case. -__-"

And for the next record, everyone has the right to be heard in the court of law. From my understanding, Islam thought us to hear both sides, whatever the argument is, then only to judge. I know it is true that the number of apostates are climbing higher by each day, but are we so blind to immediately exclude ourselves from the blame?

And ohmyGoddd this is not about Ambiga, this is about the cause la weyyy!

3. Because it's bad for business, foreign investors will doubt our stability.

One: As Marina M had said; there is nothing that drives good things away more than fear- mongering.

Two: Let me tell you what's bad for business, what's bad for health, what's bad for education, what's bad for faith, what's bad for development.

It's CORRUPTION.

(but I thought you say Bersih is for the electoral system reform, non-partisan!)

Yeah yeah yeah. Why do we want to reform the electoral system? Because we think the present one is insufficient, unreliable of course. Why insufficient? Why unreliable? Because the present government wants to keep on standing where they are now, and they know that if have a wholly clean election, they will not only lose Selangor, but the whole of Malaysia.

How do I know that? Because if not, they would have just legalize Bersih 2.0 since the first Bersih. And you know what else, freedom of expression and to be able to assemble in a peaceful manner is one of the most apparent character of a developed nation.

Three: I stand by my principle in my "Boycott Israel" article. Remember about how even if our people can't work for McD, they can start from scratch their own business? Like that. And since we are so Islam-champions, why can't we have a little faith? Rezeki tu datang dari Tuhan atau dari kerajaan?

Four: watch this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd9slh1Y4Ug&feature=player_embedded

Foreign investors will have so much faith in this guy right? Actually ya, I think they will think "hmmm. I think we should do business in Malaysia! If that's the PM, I bet we can con the whole nation!"

Five: It's something called Fish For Life. You give a man a fish, he is full for a day. You teach a man how to fish, he make a living for life.

Do you realize that our nation is facing brain- drain? We lack of intellectuals and experts here. Those graduated with Masters and above, majority will choose to migrate to the more developed countries. Why? Because we are lacking of progress and chances.

People less deserving gets recognition through corruption and cronyism and nepotism. Check out who's receiving our scholarships. (not all I know, but look deeper)

Six: Are we really that selfish? A day or two, or a month or two of declining currency rate, it will make a difference to us the fortunate ones, the upper-middle class society. But look around, look beyond your thousands-dollar handbag and pass through your last around- the- world yacht album. The poor is getting poorer, the rich is getting richer. The social economy gap is getting wider and wider. Wanna wait till we are the point of The Tale of Two Cities?

And by all means as non-partisan as I try to be, I can't stand it when I was informed that the monthly electricity bill for the PM and DPM house can cover the whole 2 years of a charity home.

When you say it's bad for the economy, think again. Whose economy? Just yours? Or the ministers? Or for the whole nation inclusive of the future generations?

4. Because this is just a propaganda by the Opposition!

SO?

Even if that is true, by which opposition? From what I saw the human-chain made on that day was not grouped by party/race/religion. If that is true, then damn the Opposition sure beat N's 1Malaysia to its knees!

If that is true, but that is what they are really fighting for, then why shouldn't we support it as well? If we're so scared that they are more of No Action, Talk Only people, when, if God wills it they are able to form a government, then the next election we change again.

This is exactly what I'm saying when I say this is the rakyat voicing out, non-partisan. We want good working governance. That is what we are fighting for, not for just ONE particular party, but for whoever we feels like they will fit the shoes and lead us to a better Malaysia.

This is V for Vendetta: Government should be afraid of its people, not the other way around.

Whoever the government may be. And for Heaven's sake, why is our present government so afraid of a 2-party system? Why do they have to treat the opposition as if they are the nation's traitors?

5. Because its dangerous!

We come in peace, you don't beat us, we don't shed blood, deal?

And al-Fatihah to the late father and husband. For the record, I was there to witness one of the most unbelievable step taken by the authority in an attempt to disclaim responsibility to what happened. Sure he made his choice by taking part in the rally, sure he could be 'egg- shell skull rule'. True.

But at least, as a leader, if you still claim yourself to be, even if you don't want to take responsibility, be humane. That video up there, that mockery, doesn't help. After the broken-promise and delusional statements, that is the biggest shame.

6. Because...because...because Mahasiswa Aman is against it! Yeah that because!

Yeahhh! I bet Mahasiswa Aman would be against anything in favor of progress. Coz you know, they need to be Mahasiswa Forever, like..forever?

What else? I'm not even gonna attempt to answer the "no one is perfect" argument oki.

Note: I'm all for KEBERSIHAN ALL THE WAY oki? Which means you're free to disagree with me and confront me with your views. We can either try to persuade each other to accept the other's view, or we can agree to disagree. But anyone comes cursing like a sailor, regardless whether or not you've clicked the 'Like' button at the Bersih 2.0 page, or you're a Muslim or not, or a Malay or not; I will ask you to wash your mouth first before I will even bother entertaining your queries.

Allah SWT has stated in the Quran that He created us in various types, for us to meet and to learn from each other. Not to incite hatred and to undermine others. He promised us Heaven and Hell, but at the end of the day, only He is to Judge. Not me, not any of us.

And by the teachings of my dad through the ways of the Prophet SAW, I have designed myself to give my respect only to selected few. Disrespectful (and distasteful) people is definitely off the list.

Happiness is Nerd

2011-07-06T19:39:00.006+08:00

(click to see bigger image)

I can't believe I actually shrieked to myself reading the email.

And my heart was beating fast when I tried it out.

And a bit more of "oooohh" "aaahhhh" for like another good 15 minutes.

Oh well, in my defense, I didn't saw it coming. And it's really really a good surprise!

I have my own Lexis Malaysia!

Unlimited access summore!!! *tears of happiness*

in my defense, I shrieked when I saw these too.

Only no tears of happiness as I haven't receive any email on it, YET.

Forever 19

2011-07-04T07:54:00.005+08:00

The truth is, I have runny nose on this Monday morning coz I cried during the weekend.

One time while the long drive home. The thing is, I always have long drives home. I mean, AT LEAST 30mins, as it takes me 20mins from the toll to my house. And we all know I have Schumacher's blood running in my vain. Or, at least a street-drifter's.

See, it's not like I actually love the need for speed. But I'm just used to it. I'm always in a rush. I'm always being rushed. And getting back home before mama starts to think her daughter is under the bridge doing drugs, or is boogling where the neon lights are. Granted, I rather speed and earn a little credit for the extra 5 minutes I raced for.

Darn it, this proves how easily side-tracked I can get. And even that applies to my driving. Hence, why the waterworks in times of speed and the stereo is blaring Lisa Loeb's The Way It Really Is. But also granted, at times like these, I will seriously stay as far away possible to any kind of emotional-connection. And that is only because I at least know myself well enough to realize I'm emotional and sensitive. But at the same time, in denial of both. As far as I am concerned, if that is my weakness, then it is alright as sometimes that can be my only strength.

Just like when I thought I have passed that stage. You proved me wrong, time & time again. Having said that, I'll get better. We'll get better, time & time again. And you, you could at the very least promise me that.

As unlike the rest of the world, I am one to hold tight to promises.

How else do you I think I survived all these years?

Dear John

2011-07-03T02:07:00.006+08:00

"Have I gone around the bend?"

"Yes, absolutely mad! Bonkers! Off with his head!
But let me tell you a secret;

All the best people are."

Among many people, I should know better than to write when in tears.

And then I remember what my client said when she had a bad day. (and believe me, it was a terrible-horrible day for her. one I pray we never have to go through)

"I know God washes our sins when He gives us pain. And bila kita dizalimi, doa kita diangkat, tiada sempadan antara doa kita dengan Tuhan. Masa inilah saya doa ampunkan dosa mak ayah, suami, anak-anak, lindungi kami, lindungi agama kami. Doa kita insyaAllah dekat, jadi kita rebut lah peluang kan."

Subhanallah.

Most people will curse angry words to God. Blaming Him for the downfall.

She didn't. She seized the opportunity.

And she keeps on smiling throughout the day. Even holding the door for a stranger.

So what is the worth of my tears, compared to her smiles?

wise man.

2011-06-27T11:20:00.002+08:00

I hope its true what they say about her.

That she built the whole empire on a broken heart.

Then I hope I can learn a thing or two from that.

And make everyday a masterpiece.

One that I can call my own.

I'd rather.

2011-06-26T23:02:00.007+08:00

We perceive the truth through the touch of our senses.

Then we persist against the truth through our sense of survival.

We were so much more honest and brave when we were younger.

Now that emotion has become a taboo.

Thank God for God.

I'll lay my head rest tonight and shut my eyes to everything else.

Only He knows my head doesn't stop running even then.

Or that it is only in the quiet I hear myself breathe.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

2011-06-20T08:13:00.003+08:00

I hate crossing the road.

Either when I'm a pedestrian, or when I'm driving.

So this morning when I was crossing Jalan Sultan Ismail, there was a road divergent right before I did the crossing. Why I hate crossing the road is because... I'm not good at it.

Either when I'm the pedestrian, or when I'm the driver.

I looked to one of the road, it was red light. So I crossed.

But a few second after (right when I'm in the middle of the main road), the other road started moving. And hey, we're in KL, everyone is in a rush. One BMW was on a speed, and I was, well I was sleepy and I was in my heels.

And as usual, and as every time this kind of things happens, (I remember when I was about to get hit by a bus in UIA coz I dropped my shoe in the middle of the road), I froze.

I froze. And said;

"oh F"

of course, I didn't say the alphabet, but the word.

Looking back, I'll be damned if that is the last word I uttered.

Every morning after my Subuh prayer, I will always pray for Him to guide my every sentence, every thought, every action, and every intention. And for Him to guide me in becoming better in every way.

That effin (there I go again. pfft) example up there, is the perfect example of how gawd! I can be sometimes, most of the times.

But I swear to God I'm trying.

And you know, I think the wise man was right when he said;

"when I change myself, there is one person less in this world for me to change"

Because I'm A Girl

2011-06-19T20:40:00.005+08:00

An Ode To The Men Who Left

When I was younger I've always wanted to be a boy. Or at least a boyish-girl.

I grew up adoring what my brothers and the boys from school could do. Football, Blink-182, the baseball cap, everything; and of coz, the sailor-talk. I rarely envied my sister's dolls and make-ups, and I wanted a G-shock instead of a Baby-G.

But of coz, with all the crying I could do in a day, I would have been one sissy & mintak-kene-sepak little boy.

And as I grew up, I cannot help but to fall in love.

With heels and handbags.

And as time goes by, I realized I've always been a girl; right from the start and through it all.

Hence there will always be that time of the month where I just hate men. At that time of the month, all I wanna do is cry my heart out for the stupidity and the disappointments they've been causing me. Hey at times like these, you should just let me be that damsel in distress and be fair to me a bit.The men in my life they, they've been breaking my heart. The men in my life, they leave. The men in my life, they die.

Yes, I ain't no talking about the dudes in my jerks list, sista'. Nor am I talking about the relationship that didn't last. Those I can take. Those I can accept. Although those can bring me down and maybe even cry a little, those, doesn't crush my spirit.

Lately I've come to realize that I confuses people. With the way I talk, the way write, and most of all, the way I react to things. See, from what the girls told me, I got issues with pride. Always have, always will be. I think my most honest sentence would be "I mean what I say, and I will say how I want things to be."

Like, when I'm angry, I'll say I'm fine. Only because I want to be fine.

Or like when I'm sad, I'll say I'm fine. Only because I want to be fine.

I sure hope that doesn't make me a pathological liar. And I sure hope wanting to be fine, is fine. A step up from having a life time of depression, a step up to living a life that we should and could be living. A step up to gratitude, to all the beautiful things God has laid out before us.

A little bit before I turned 10, (2nd day of darjah 4) I saw my mom sitting on the stairs at her office, waiting for us to pick her up. She was crying. That day, her father died. I never saw Atok Majid again.

Then I went into Tingkatan 4, the 2nd time I saw my dad's tears. That day, my dad bathed his father, for the last time. I never saw Atok Manap again.

A little after I turned 19, I found myself riding the mortuary van. Lying in the coffin, was my dad. And I didn't cry. I didn't cry because I wanted to be fine, I wanted to be strong, and I don't want to feel scared and lost and hopeless. I wanted the world to see how much I believe in destiny and qada' & qadar, and I accept everything God planned for me. I wanted to tell God "see, I understand everything You're trying to show me. I know if I have You, I wouldn't need anything or anyone else. So look at me now, I'm alright"

Did that worked?

Of course it did. I wanted it to work, and I always get what I want oki.

But what I didn't get was why when 2 years later, when I woke up to that one phone call, my knees went weak and I cried. I cried my eyes out whilst calling Maryam asking her why do I feel like everyone is dying on me. That day, my not-so-little brother Iwan died.

So yeah, in my life, men always leave.

But that doesn't mean God is cruel. Nor does that mean my life sucks. With all the broken hearts, and broken promises (mostly of Ayah's and his inspirations towards my future, but hey, all is well) I had due to these departures, I know my life is full of love. Like seriously full of it.

So yeah, we plan and Allah plans, and He is the Best Planner of all.

And because I'm a girl, one who "doesn't need anyone", or I so like to believe for myself, my favorite good-bye lines has always been;

"I don't need you."

*like ohmyGod, I actually used that line from Gossip Girl for a break-up. -__-" talk about a Drama Queen act!

And I will always believe that. That whatever may come, storm and thunder, if I have my faith intact, I will be alright.

InsyaAllah.

But at the back of my mind, I know God created girls differently. He created fathers for daughters. He created brothers for sisters. He created grandpas for granddaughters. He created uncles for fatherless nieces. And most of all, He created husbands for wives.

The first time I saw my dad cried, was when he thought I wasn't looking. The first time I saw ayah cried, he thought I was sleeping. That night, the first time I saw him cried, was with the lights off, and I was on the hospital bed waiting for my appendicitis surgery the next morning, and he was on the sejadah, crying to Allah for me.

See. When I say "when I have Allah I don't need anyone else", I don't think that means, when I believe in God I will have to live a total solitude life; not needing anyone, not needing love, not needing affections, at all.

Everything comes from Him. Our heart, our soul, and our mind, everything.

So because I have Allah in my heart, I know I will only need Him. As He knows me best. When He took away ayah from me, He gave me others to love, and to be loved. He knows what I need, and He keeps on giving me everything I need, and hence, He is everything I need.

Because I am girl, one that turned from a crybaby to the whatemotions? lady, one which He had it written in the stars to have a man she adores and respects and loves and misses everyday of her life as her dad, that she adamantly prays to meet a man who is at least half of the man her dad was; I'm sure Allah has what's best coming my way.

Man, that's a mouthful paragraph!

Believe it or not, I took one whole week to get this post done. =)

She Was A Diary

2011-06-12T11:43:00.000+08:00

Because I feel that I always have to be relating with someone – and so I am forced to be fascinating, intelligent, sensitive, and exceptional.
The effort of seducing makes me give the best of myself, and that helps me.

Besides, it is very hard to live with myself.

Give Me Clarity: Part II

2011-06-09T22:30:00.004+08:00

-___-"

Ever since the blog was made "famous", I felt obliged to put a post. Yes, to certain extent, I'm insane like that. And of coz, I must thank MukaSurat for the "famous" part.

The thing is, I'm always seeking clarity. Even though I have medically-proven perfect vision, and Alhamdulillah for that. But I always have this itch, this wanting to see better.

And when I don't get that, I sometimes will opt to shut my eyes, wholly. It's one of those all or nothing I guess. But I guess that's not always how I deal with things, with circumstances, and most of all, with people.

But I do know what I will TRY to do each time. I know I will always try to keep an open mind for everything. And no, trying to keep an open mind does not mean I'm readily accepting to what I don't consider a norm.

It means this: I understand you have your own mind on it, and it may or it may not be the same with mine. Either way, I have mine. Unless you can prove me wrong, don't bother imposing anything on me because I won't bother to impose mine on you.

Guess I was stating that at the risk of sounding bitter. But I'm not, it's just what it is.

I guess the "whatever, I go my way" thing runs from Ayah into me, the little bit of him that I have. (I hope!) Only Ayah did it in the diplomatic/respected way, while mine, is more... bitchy/conceited.. I suppose.

But I guess the fact that sometimes I think about it, shows what a long way I have to go still, down the Turn-Silver-Into-Gold path.

Having said that, when I can't get clarity as much as I want, I go to its literal meaning, in seeking clarity.

And boy did that clarify one thing!

it shows I must hold myself back after this, each time I wanna say "ntah, I rasa die biasa je kot. Mata die kecik/sepet oki".

oh and another clarification!

Mission A&A: Look less like the silly kid attachee, more like the no-nonsense intellectual associate.

Status: FAILED.

Give Me Clarity

2011-06-05T18:24:00.007+08:00

"There's no shame in being afraid. Hell, we're all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you're afraid of, because when you put a face on it you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it."

-Coach Whitey of One Tree Hill.

I've taken one step ahead, from the place I feared the most. And heck did I pay the price!

Never thought I'd do it on my own freewill tho.

And no one would have guessed it either. =)

I can't help but to always want to define things on my own terms. Like trying to put in a perspective hoping to make sense of the nonsensical.

I can't help it. I'm naive (and stupid) that way. But still, as amazing as it may seems, in your own words; I won't always love these selfish things.

I can't help to sometimes be the kind of girl that dissect every sentence in every song that we love. As of all the things our lips can say, I will always believe that the eyes is a person's most honest sense.

All I want, all I want, is for you to give me some clarity, that I can't give myself.

To end with a du`a’ of the Prophet ﷺ, who said that if a person suffers anxiety or grief, they should say:

“اللهم إني عبدك وابن عبدك وابن أمتك ناصيتي بيدك ماض في حكمك
عدل في قضاؤك اسألك بكل اسم هو لك سميت به نفسك او انزلته في كتابك
أو علمته أحدا من خلقك أو إستأثرت به في علم الغيب عندك أن تجعل القران
ربيع قلبي ونور صدري وجلاء حزني وذهاب همي”

“Oh Allah! Indeed I am Your servant
Son of Your male servant and female servant
My forelock is in Your Hand (i.e. You have control over me)
And Your Judgment upon me is assured, and Your Decree upon me is just
I ask you with every name that You have named Yourself with
Or revealed in Your Book (Quran), or taught to any of Your creation
Or kept with Yourself in the knowledge of the unseen that is with You
That You make the Quran the life of my heart, and the light of my chest
And the banisher of my sadness and the reliever of my distress.”

And Allah (swt) will take away their sorrow and grief and give them in their stead joy. (Ahmad)

1-year Notice

2011-06-02T08:54:00.004+08:00

It's 2.6.2011 today.

NOTICE OF CERTAINTY

I hereby give myself exactly one (1) year from today's date to get my acts together.
On 3.6.2012 I will know exactly what my next step would be. And I will execute that step. In considering the elements of certainty needed, I shall perform my obligations with full diligence, wisdom and most of all, Faith.

During this period of one year time I shall be able to have my fair share of trials and errors. Upon the deadline of the one year period, I shall cut-off everything uncertain, and everything unnecessary. During this period of year term, I shall go easy on myself. At the end of the term, I should deserve something better from myself.

On 3.6.2012 I must be able to say "oki, byeeeee! I'm off for what I'm destined for!"

"It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped"

Humility & Orange Roses

2011-05-27T08:09:00.002+08:00

"I asked Allah to give me strength,
He gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked Allah to give me courage,
He gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked Allah to give me knowledge,
He gave me problems to solve.

I asked Allah to give me love,
He gave me troubled people to help.

I received nothing I wanted.
Yet I received everything I needed."

That has always been the case, and I have always been a little too weak.
But that is worth every penny in my pocket. =)

Stolen

2011-05-26T08:27:00.003+08:00

I wanted to say I am not a plastic cup.

But from the looks of it, I can't be made of glass or ceramic. I can't stand the heat and still be nice enough to keep the drink warm. I'm starting to think I might either be made of steel, and when I get too heated up I'll hurt the people around me; or I'm like that paper cup that can only be used once before i went.... bleaahh.

Oki so maybe I exaggerate my stories once in a while, or more often than not.

And maybe my hand gestures are too much. But these days, I keep the hand gestures alive, but less of the stories. My stories are like the opposite of exaggeration. Most of my stories start of with "its like this," continued with a 5 second pause before I come to my ending of "yeah, so its like that."

And then try asking me a question, any question at all, my answer would mostly be a "ha."

Like that.

And the reason for that is;

*thoughts running vividly through my head*

Ha. Like that.

I guess I want people to say less and do more. And I want the right things to be said at the right time. And I want silence to be an understanding.

Isn't it nice when you lay your head on his shoulder, with your eyes closed but you're not sleeping, and your lips is curving with a smile but not speaking.

Yeah, like that.

Isn't it liberating when you're speaking to God in your prayers, and only the sound of your beating heart is heard, but tears runs down your cheek all the same.

Exactly, like that.

Brave New World

2011-05-22T07:31:00.006+08:00

I'm always afraid. And I'm fearful. And I'm easily agitated.

But I'm always trying. And I'm always hopeful. And I always try to remain calm.

Sometimes luck is on my side. Most of the time tho, life just keeps on happening.

I guess its true what they say, the world doesn't stop spinning, even when you put your life on hold.

Sometimes I wish you can see the same. Most of the time tho, I wish I know your side of the story.

But because I'm brave, I'll be patient. Or at least I'll try to be, coz I always cry a little too easily.

The thing is, I'm always a little too afraid. Too afraid to be known, to afraid to be understood. When staying idle is the one thing that is suppressing me to the core.

The thing is, I will always want to fly. And I just want the world to see that.

Not how I fell and bleed in trying to make the flight.

Like you, just like everything I think about you. Everything I want you to think, everything I've been saying but never uttered, is everything I can't talk about. To you, and with you.

Like Alanis Morissette said, "I'm brave, but I'm chicken shit."

Lift-Me-Up Note:

Imam Al-Shafi' said in his last sickness;

When my heart was hardened
and my courses constrained
I made my hope a stairway
to Your forgiveness.
My sins burdened me heavily
but when I measured it
by Your forgiveness
Lord,
Your forgiveness was the greater.

How can you let not your eyes shine? When beauty sparkles before you, everywhere.

A GIRL GOTTA DO WHAT A GIRL GOTTA DO!

2011-05-17T21:12:00.005+08:00

"Pursue your dreams ruthlessly and know that only with the aid and assistance of God can your greatest ambition become a reality. So work hard, and pray harder."

So here I am sitting in front of the lappy, blogging, and winking an eye on the stack of statutes besides the lappy.

Hello again there, oh Lawyering world!

So Hana is lawyering again, for real this time.(we need to disregard the surreal feelin' y'all!)

But here's what is in my mind;

1. Blogging.

2. One Tree Hill.

3. The watch on my wrist. (yes, I'm wearing a watch at night, at home, in my room. Why? Coz I'm excited of coz. Why? Coz Mama just bought it for me as my Graduation present. yes, after so long! not her fault tho, totally mine as I couldn't set my mind on anything before this)

4. The book I just bought today.

5. The books on my brand-new book shelf, those I haven't read.

6. What a nerd I am, thinking so much about book.

7. How happy I am to be home, instead of yesterday. =(

8. But a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do! And my 1st day in SLB was somewhat similar to yesterday. And it took me more than a week to make myself at home in a new place. (I'm shy like that!)

9. Trying to ignore the feeling of ... (oki stop. that is exactly what I have to do, ignore it)

10. Franz Ferdinand.

And the park.

I'm no Lawyer Girl. I'm a Girl Lawyer. Being a Girl comes first.

(i bet that 10 year old, tomboyish girl me, wouldn't mind sending me a kick now)

Every Night Was A Friday Night

2011-05-15T22:16:00.007+08:00

Was.

But tonight is a Sunday night. Which means tomorrow will be a Monday.

I can't believe I'm complaining. Because truth be told, I'm alright.

A little giddy and a little nervous and a little excited and a little feverish.

It was a row of Friday nights everyday for almost 2 months. Wouldn't trade it any other way.

Play: She & Him - Ridin' In My Car
(i love how the music is so 60's, or whatever era it should be in)

And I can't believe I don't have to try so hard to resist the joy.

I guess I need more than time to know what's right.

Can't believe how cynical I've become. Actually, I can believe it.

I do hope though, by God I do hope.

My hope is so high that I don't see the problem with being a conceited cynic.

It's like, "gosh whatever."

Like, seriously.

Lift-Me-Up Note:

"Truly, Allah does not change the condition of a people until they have change what is in themselves."
-Holy Quran, 13:11

"No amount of guilt can change the past. And no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah's decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if its yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee."
-Saidina Umar Al-Khattab

I could be Fearless.

2011-05-13T03:49:00.000+08:00

There was once when I told you I was scared. And then you made me smile as you reminded me that no one deserves my fear, except for God Almighty. That was when I know you're a smart person. But if you're smart baby, then I'm clever, as the fox. Only not as cunning or as sly.

If my comebacks are quick, it probably have something to do with my insecurities. I could really be fearless, but I would also try to lie. And sometimes I would pray you'd be able to see through my attempted lies. I could hold my head high, and with a brave face saying "ya oki, that's fine". If that is to be a lie, it would be the truest lie I could muster.

I say things that I mean. Not what I feel. Coz I'd wanna be fine, and I will fight to be fine. Even if at that moment I don't feel all that fine. It has nothing to do with pride, it has a lot to do with my fighting spirit. And more often than not, my fighting has a lot to do with surviving.

I know we have to be strong for the people we love but cannot be strong. I know I have been strong for the past few years. Or at least I tried to be. And sometimes, trying makes it all worth the while. But sometimes, it takes a try to crash you. That's when you get to feel the end result, and you can't run away from the facts, and you can't turn back either, and start to wish to have the wishful thoughts again.

But I don't. I don't want to have wishful thoughts. I want to keep on moving forward. I want to keep on trying to be fearless, to be strong. That's why I always do what I have to do.

When I have set my heart right, I will do unusual things. Things you might not agree with. But I have set my heart right. And my conscience right. Though many might say I'm wayward and careless, it's oki, and I won't be mad. I don't actually put in efforts to explain either. I think the world is too full excuses. So I don't want to be a part of that chaos. I want to shut my eyes, ponder, and then do. Explaining is just, well sometimes its just wasted breath. When you hurt someone, you hurt someone. Explaining is not gonna take back the tears that was cried. If you feel you need to vindicate yourself, then just go and make it right.

So ya, I don't want to make excuses for you anymore.

Lift-Me-Up Note: With all the storms thrown your way, and with all the chaos in this world, only in the worship of Allah will you find your tranquility.

For what its worth.

2011-05-07T01:25:00.008+08:00

"you look beautiful tonight"

No. That was so 2004.

(but somehow that sentence kinda stuck. booze i know)

6.5.2011 though, it's a whole another thing.

And for what its worth, and since my mover sadly mumbled to himself reading my fever-made script, I thought I should just put it up here.

But for what its worth though, the gratitude listed and described, is not exhaustive.

Like I said, I'm a superbly blessed girl surrounded by beautiful souls. From home, to school, to university, to chambering, everywhere I go, alhamdulillah, with God's grace, my days have always been filled with love from beautiful people.

Yang Arif, hari ini telah ditetapkan untuk petisyen penerimaan masuk Pempetisyen. Dengan izin Yang Arif, saya memohon kebenaran Mahkamah Yang Mulia ini untuk meneruskan hujahan saya dalam Bahasa Inggeris.

If it pleases My Lady, may I introduce the Petitioner, SHNH. The Petitioner was born on the 24^th of August 1987, and she is, to her mother and father, blessed as the youngest among their children.

The Petitioner first completed her primary education at Sekolah Kebangsaan Seri Selangor and later on, her secondary education at Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan USJ 4. Now, as to how the Petitioner had been summoned by and to her current vocation: the Petitioner’s father, knowing how his daughter had been so inclined to pursue neither of her parent’s footsteps, had asked her, “Why don’t you do Law?”

And to this, she replied, “Hmm, why not? I do love John Grisham anyway.”

In May 2010, after shedding much in sweat, blood and tears – figuratively, and literally – the Petitioner graduated successfully with an LLB (Honors) from the International Islamic University Malaysia.

Upon graduating, the Petitioner commenced her pupilage in the chambers of Mr RA in Messrs SLB. Therein she undertook her nine months of pupilage, which she completed by the 22^nd of March 2011.

My Lady,

On this special day, the Petitioner would like to seek leave from this Honourable Court to express her deepest gratitude to the following people:-

To her father, or ‘Ayah’, as she calls him, with whom she vicariously shares his understanding of life as laid into words by these two Holy Verses of the Qur’an; “God does not burden a soul more than it can bear,” and “Verily, with every difficulty there is a relief”. The Petitioner has this message for the greatest man in her life: “Ayah, it was at the end where I begun. Thank you for always keeping me within the boundaries of error. Thank you for staying by my side in this life, though you now remain in another. Thank you for showing me the existence of the eternal love.”

To her mother, the beautiful woman whom the Petitioner can only wish to somehow, someday, become: For all the late nights, and the many more to pass, the Petitioner wishes to say, “Thank you, mama, for letting me grow up at my own pace. Thank you for enduring my stubbornness, my insane antics, and most of all, my need to be as free as the nightingale. Thank you for enduring me throughout, while showering me with your bottomless love still. Today is for you, ma.”

To the Petitioner’s brothers and sole sister, for their support and understanding. And also, for their compromise with her, especially when she gears into her “lawyer” mode. But most of all, for their love, even when it means that they have to step into their dad’s shoes just to keep the Petitioner focused, in both sight and mind. Kakak, Umair, Imin, Zuhair and their sweet babies, are the stars that shines the Petitioner’s path every time she find herself in darkness.

To her pupil master, RA, thank you for your guidance and for sharing your wisdom and knowledge. Also to his Legal Assistant, JAG.

The Petitioner would also like to thank all her friends, especially the ones who have known her enough to hear her crazy laughter, but still choose to love her all the same; the Petitioner thanks you for making her realize that she is blessed to be surrounded by such beautiful souls. To these people, the Petitioner’s future bridesmaids, who had looked after the Petitioner’s best interests ver since her undergraduate days, and who sigh and laugh in echo to the Petitioner’s own spirit: Maryam, Hazira, Linda, Amal and Farah. Also to the guys; Farhan, Anuar, Aiman, Hashim, Zafran, Muiz and Alan, just to name a few. They are the Petitioner’s Guardian Angels, or her ‘Bouncers’, but not just in terms of brawns, but also brains. And of course, her life-long BFF, Izzah Nasir; her maid-of-honor and vice versa, InsyaAllah.

To her fellow comrades from SLB, Violin, Cilia, Pat, Joy, Teckno, April, May, Faan Jin, Elysha, Niak, Farizal, Rachel, Keith and the whole chambers, whom she regards as being above and beyond mere colleagues. But more importantly, her friends – those who believe in her as much as she loves – to whom she wishes to say, “This, and whatever further comes, is for each and everyone of us. Including Thila, may he rest in peace. May we always continue the fight, because we can. May we never be hesitant and scared, coz after all, it’s only life we’re facing. And most of all, may we always have each other.”

I believe my learned friends have no objections to the Petition herein.

I believe that the Petitioner’s papers are in order and humbly pray that SHNH be admitted and enrolled as an advocate and solicitor of the High Court of Malaya.

And for what its worth though,

this was a wonderful day. And it lasted for, like, for more than 3/4 of the day.

Thank you Allah.

Also for what its worth,

I cried watching OTH Season 7. Somehow I get B.Davis. Somehow.

I'd like to be the girl who gets the boy who gets the girl.

Get it? Just get it please, read it word by word if you need to.

So yeah, after a long day of joy and laughter, I have to make myself shed some tears kan.

So life man.

For what its worth.

You can call it Madness.

2011-04-29T15:09:00.006+08:00

Few points to remember:

1. Letting go doesn't mean giving up.

2. Money, at the end of the day, is just money. It is important. But only to the extent as you wish it to be.

3. I have nothing else to prove on that point. I plunged into it once, and I survived. So it's time for a new set of challenge.

4. Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness.

5. I still have my dad. =) He will always be there whenever I need him. Just like he promised me.

But why such madness?

Because I have potentials.

Because I don't intend to limit myself to be the shadow of another.

Because I have my own name to follow and my own path to shine.

Because you believe in me. And I think you deserves to have me, starting to believe in myself.

Because I love to dance nonsensically. And that makes me musical. Even if I'm tone deaf.

Because I did my istikharah. And now I shall believe it's all for the best. The best for myself, my family, and most of all, my faith.

And sometimes the heart have reasons reason cannot know.

Hanamaru's Note on Choosing a Path:

Take out the yellow legal pad, and draw a line in the middle. List out the pros & the cons of each. Then close your eyes and say your prayers. Next, tear up the paper and throw it into the bin. In choosing, follow your heart and go take on the world with your mom's blessing.

Life-Me-Up Note:

Don't worry about the future. God is already there. Just arrive at the party.

Let There Be Light

2011-04-26T08:23:00.002+08:00

Her mother decided to take a risk and ask the kind of question children always hate, because they're independent, free and capable of solving their own problems.

"Is there anything worrying you?"

We are all masters of our own destiny. We can so easily make the same mistakes over and over. We can so easily flee from everything that we desire and which life so generously places before us.

Alternatively, we can surrender ourselves to Divine Providence, take God's hand, and fight for our dreams, believing that they always arrive at the right moment.

Never stop having doubts. If you ever do, it will be because you've stopped moving forward, and at that point, God will step in and pull the rug from under your feet, because that is His way of controlling His chosen ones, by making sure they always follow their appointed path to the end. If, for any reason, we stop, whether out of complacency, laziness, or out of a mistaken belief that we know enough, He forces us on.

On the other hand, you must be careful never to allow doubt to paralyze you. Always take the decisions you need to take, even if you're not sure you're doing the right thing. You'll never go wrong if, when you make a decision, you keep in mind and old German proverb:

"The Devil is in the detail"

Remember that proverb and you'll always be able to turn a wrong decision into a right one.

All quotes from Brida, by Coelho.

As for me, in addition to all that, I pray my heart is guided. I am only learning to follow my heart. And to beg the voices in my head is from my guided soul.

Guns & Unicorns

2011-04-24T23:48:00.006+08:00

..& Cheese Ice Creams & good coffees & maid-of-honor & a lot of Lurvvvveeee, everywhere.

But I'd be lying if I say I wouldn't ask for more.

But still, thank you Allah. Thank You.

And still, I wanna ask for more.

~~1. I wish for Ayah. For him to see the lovely babies who over-fill up the void in the house.~~

~~2. I wish for Iwan. For he would definitely love laser tag.~~

1. I beg for You to grant Pak Long iman, dear Allah. He needs You now. And I need to see him smile again. I'm sorry I'm being selfish again, but he is the closest thing I have to a father's love now. And it breaks my heart to see him like that.

2. And I will always want all these beautiful love surrounding me. And I pray for everyone to get closer to You. Coz I know, when we are closer to You, we'll get better and you'll heal our hearts.

The love that I see, and witness, is a like a Unicorn. My family is like my Unicorn. It's crazy special. It's a beauty that I thought can never exists.

And do you know that Unicorns are real?

Only they are just fat and grey, and we call them rhinos.

So yeah, maybe my family is actually more like the fat grey rhinos. You know why?

Coz we've been in the muds. And the way we roll in the mud is, when one of us in it, the rest will jump in to help. And when that's done, (coz God loves us so very much), there will always be another mud for us to swim in with, together.

And we have a lot of scars on our body. A lot of broken-hearts, and cancer and leukemia, and car-crashes and divorces, and everything that comes in a family soap opera, we had it. Or we have it. We're imperfect and flawed like that. Just like the rhinoceros.

And most of all, coz we're real. We are crazy special, but real.

So here's to the real Unicorn!

So real, yet so freakin' beautiful.

And the way I see it,

....

Let's just leave it at that.

Or maybe I should leave it like this,

"that was my make or break"

that was it. but I'm gonna be perfectly fine. You, just like the rest, can't break me.

I have never allowed for such nonsense all my life, and I'm not gonna start now.

If I have ever learned anything from this Fairytale-life of the Unicorns, is that we're worthy of everything that we have.

And I'm sticking to what I said, "the man I will want to marry, Ma, he must be able to guide me. He must be able to say 'no' to my whims and follies. He must be able to say 'no', and I must be able to abide. And you know I'm not one to take advices from people who doesn't have my respect. I'm sorry but I don't. And I can't. And I don't want to."

So if you can't keep your 5 prayers intact, then I'm sorry. I have a man waiting for me in the Heaven. And I have to be able to see him again, but I doubt I can do it on my own. So yes, I need help.

And that is an "arrogance" I'm sticking to. Because the faith that keeps my heart beating, is worth all the trouble and sacrifices.

Lift-Me-Up Note: When we incline to God, beseech and persist. He wills us to pray, and will come assist.

It's The Thoughts That Don't Count

2011-04-18T01:19:00.013+08:00

I removed the last two pics from my Bee album.
It's just not funny anymore.
And I feel cruel for the laughs that we had.

This have more to me than I might or can say.
Only because I know that goodbye means nothing at all.

But you know what?
This is prolly one of my biggest regret EV-VAAAHH.

I don't usually do regretting.
But when it comes to Jimmy Eat World,
When it comes to the fact that THERE was where I should be standing,
cut me some slack please,

LEMME CRY A LITTLE. T_T

and to letak garam on my ulcer, I got the news
The Script came down too.

p/s: but like said, don't say "i wanna dieee!" it's just not funny anymore.

And then there's the "Unknown Variables"

I'll be honest now.

I don't need options. I don't want options.

(I've tried it before and it wasn't so much fun. Oki la, it was fun. But the "turn-over" is just not worth it, I guess.)

So when "the one" appears, with all the might God can give me, I will hold on.

But so long as it doesn't show, and so long as I'm not sure,

I won't fight it.

I'll play my part and I won't worry of what you do.

As you're also engaged in discovering this whole mess, as much as I do.

As even I sometimes cast it aside.

The details?

The fact that your eyes sparkle, that you made me scream during my morning drive, that you think I'm funny when I tell the punchline wrong, that I can never keep it a straight face when it comes to you, that I sometimes literally jump up and down when it's from you;

wait.

yeah, I hate to let my ego run loose, but I'll let her have her say;

But hey, Aidil was all that too. Booze!

but then again, because I think you're so much more, I'll say this;

but you can balance my account while I'll just laugh my head off coz I can't find where I placed the receipts and the bills!

And I guess I just sparkle more when it comes to you.

Coz He heard me for you. He did.

But yeah, the devil is in the details.

So I'll try to forget about the details in the fabric.

Coz if time shows I'm wrong, then so be it.

They're just after all, the thoughts that don't count.

Lift-Me-Up Note: The One who created the heart, He knows about it.

if i tell you, i might have to kill you.

2011-04-16T02:47:00.006+08:00

"I really like you, Midori. A lot.”
“How much is a lot?”
“Like a spring bear,” I said.
“A spring bear?” Midori looked up again. “What’s that all about? A spring bear.”
“You’re walking through a field all by yourself one day in spring, and this sweet little bear cub with velvet fur and shiny little eyes comes walking along. And he says to you, “Hi, there, little lady. Want to tumble with me?’ So you and the bear cub spend the whole day in each other’s arms, tumbling down this clover-covered hill. Nice, huh?”
“Yeah. Really nice.”
“That’s how much I like you."
— Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)

I'm not one to answer questions.

Especially those which I have a ready-made answer in my head.

It says "kiss my ass".

That, coupled with my hard-core eye-rolling.

So if I'm not answering your questions, go take a wild guess at what my answer could be.

I'm a believer of jauh perjalanan, luas pemandangan.

The City of Good Music, Ireland June 2009

....

Maybe I fall short in wanting to save the world.

But I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life.

Because one life, is another's whole world.

This time, this is about me.

And again, I'm sorry.

Lift-Me-Up Note: The Qur'an breaks hard hearts. And heals broken hearts.

Too Far Down // R.I.P

2011-04-12T21:05:00.004+08:00

I think it's wrong. When someone you know passed on, to think of yourself first.

"the last time I saw him/her was 3 months ago. I called him/her names. I wish I haven't"

See, this is not about you. This is not about me.

This is not just about a friend who committed suicide.

This is about a son who made the decision to leave his family, eternally.

This is about the father, the mother, and their pain and grieve because their son made that decision.

This is about the person, or the people, who contributed to cause him to make that decision.

This is not about my sadness. This is not about the shocked I got receiving the news.

This is not about my tears. This could be a bit about Rachel's tears.

This is not about the mourning period starting tomorrow. This could be about guilt.

This could be the time to ask 'why'.

This is not about me not wanting to believe this is what depression could lead to. This is not about me not wanting to believe how cruel we can be.

Because now that it has happened.

Maybe this could be the time to ask 'why'.

At the end of the day, some people need to release themselves of the guilt. Pretending it has nothing to do with them. Or to pretend it has everything to do with them.

Regardless, he's gone.

People can take name, people can give moments.

I didn't cry for Ayah coz he was a good man, a good boss and the best father in the whole wide world. I cried because I love him and he's gone. And I cried for Mama's pain.

I didn't cry for Iwan coz he was my most good-looking cousin. I cried because I love him and he's gone. And I cried for Mak Uda's pain.

I didn't cry for Thila coz he was the most soft-spoken guy in the chambers and helped me with my Watching Brief. I cried because he is my friend and he's gone. And I cried for his pain.

This is not about me. But I'm sorry, Thila. I really am.

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2011/4/12/nation/20110412144821&sec=nation

On A Second Thought

2011-04-12T00:44:00.004+08:00

Who are we to blame when we sing and dance, as if no one is looking, but our left brain fully understands that the sun is up, the sky is blue, and we're twirling in the middle of the park.

But still, the songbird doesn't deserve that shot, even when he hums to the ears of the shooter.

He was after all, singing the song of the night. That one melody that made the darkness something beautiful.

I do see things beautifully. Maybe not perfectly, but beautifully.

But I do not wish to be freely hurt, unnecessary agony.

Then if a change is a must, come what may.

For I wish to be, a woman of understanding.

Not another second of Alice in Wonderland.

The Dream/ The Dreamer

2011-04-11T01:10:00.007+08:00

The Secret in Solat:

When a man prostrates to his Lord, it is the only time that his heart is above his head. Allah swt has left a secret on how to live a life.

You made me look back.

You made my jaw dropped. Literally. Until I have to rest it on Lind's shoulder.

But yeah, like before, I'm still a good runner with one foot outside the door.

But yeah, I wish I wouldn't have to.

You get what I'm sayin'?

But even if, it's oki sweet darlin'. I'm up for running, it symbolizes liberation.

But yeah, I wish I wouldn't have to.

No, really. I really don't want to.

Coz really, you wouldn't believe how happy you can make me.

I wish you know though!

So definitely maybe. Ask me again, in 2 years time. =p

Can I have some please?

2011-04-08T00:19:00.004+08:00

Dear God,

I found the letters I wrote to You before.

Reading those letters, I cried. You really had me there, back then, didn't You?

Hence here I am, all worn out again.

Today I'm writing to You to tell You, I officially give up.

I give up. I'm not strong, I'm weak. You made me this way.

I give up. I'm not a saint, I'm arrogant. Even after all that You made me go through.

I give up. I can't take advices, I will always want something superior.

So yeah, I give up.

Remember that letter where I begged for You to make daddy oki? And to transfer all of his pain to me? I can still see my tears through the smeared ink on the letter.

Even that You didn't give me.

Now I'm back at that point again. Well, almost. You know me better, I'll die if I have to go through that again. But this is the point where I give up. I give up trying to rely on myself. And on others. Sure I'm smart. Sure they are wise. Sure I crave for the best. Sure they love me deeply.

But just like everything good in me comes from You, so does all my flaws and fallouts.

So I'm passing everything back to You, the Almighty.

And just like their own imperfect lives, so is their wisdom and love, they are all imperfect.

So I'm returning everything back to You, the Most Perfect.

Dear Allah,

I'm sorry I'm a repeated drifter. But thank You for Your constant Love and kind Reminders. And here I'm again, begging to You. I'm might cry myself out asking for something from You. But what I really want is Your Guidance, even towards what I'm hoping for and what I'm seeking for and what I'm asking for.

You know like the Ayah doa, You didn't take his cancer away so that he can be right here right now with me, and so maybe he can help me figure this whole mess out. I wanted that, God I still want that.

But I don't need that. My selfishness aside, I need and want him to be there, with You.

Coz sometimes I can hear him saying "Ya Allah budak ni, buat lagi perangai die. I wish I can smack the stupid out of her. Which I won't have to, of course, she'll cry before anything."

You didn't give me that.

But You gave him Your Jannah. And You gave me Your Love.

And that is just what I want now. That' what I need.

I don't need the approvals of people I don't even like . I don't need some status just to boost my arrogance. I don't need wealth that will keep me away from You, away from the beautiful people around me.

I know, I'm not even being kind to myself to be seeking all those things.

I want to be kind. To myself, to the people that I love. And to do that, I need to stay on Your path.

Please, take my hand and show me Your light. That's all I need. I'm returning to You everything else.

soak up the sun

2011-04-06T00:02:00.015+08:00

It takes a dreamer to know one. (I know) It takes a brave heart to dream. (I dream) It takes a deeper form of understanding to see that a realist is a person of cowardice. (I understand) And to say that, only a dreamer can. (I can) Because only a dreamer is able to skip through everything, with a smile on her face, shouting to the world that she is right, and thus she is going to be just fine. (I am going to be just fine)

Some people will call that craziness and childish. (I heard that) Maybe.

I have always been the girl who reads. And my love towards reading is so deep that I don’t have a specific genre of favorite readings. I read everything, from the little quotations to live up your spirits, to that random translated novel, to the business section that I sometimes don’t get what I’m reading, and to Austen’s Pride & Prejudice. That’s my favorite classic novel ever. =) And Mr. Darcy is my McDreamy, my Ken of Ken & Barbie, and my Landon Carter of the Walk to Remember.

Sometimes I feel like my brain have it’s own heart. It can write thousands of words, poetically and without effort and free of restrictions. Sometimes I hear voices in my head, creating sentences that I know I will never be able to create with a conscious mind. Too many times have I tried to put those words in a paper and thought that maybe I can share it with the world. Then perhaps, if I’m lucky enough, I can make a living out of it. That was the dream.

Then life happened. And deaths took place. And broken hearts replaced all the dreams. And I changed. When the voices sometimes appears again, I ignored it. I wanted it to go away because I had no time for nonsense anymore. Nonsense. That’s what I thought of what used to be my dreams. It’s not that I just changed, but I wanted to change. I felt like I needed to change.

I felt like I couldn’t bear to have a musical heart anymore. I needed to feel like I was truly made of steel. One day I woke up and told myself to map out my life, the “right” way, not the dreamer’s way. Soon I’ll join the legal profession, and I’ll have a niche area of practicing commercial litigation at the “it” firm. In 4 years time, being the bright girl that I’m, I will at least worth 3 times of my worth now. And during this 4 years, I’ll do my Master’s degree. Again, being who I am, I wouldn’t need to cramp my head just to get through. And then I’ll go into the corporate world, and climb my way up in 3 years time. After 7 years of practicing, I’ll get my mediator certificate and go around the globe mediating huge corporations.

Pfft. Even as a realist I’m still a dreamer.

And I was the one to say that dreamer girl died when she was 19.

I guess I was wrong. The girl never left. And I’m very much still of the bright-eyed girl who sees the beauty in things that are ephemeral. And they, they were right all along. That was just my ego talking. My ego led me to believe I have grown up and I have left behind everything nonsensical. My ego led me to believe I was so badly hurt that I no longer believe in my own warm heart, and that I lead my desires and dreams driven by materialistic goals.

The truth is, I can’t. The truth is, I hate myself when I can’t find the time to read all the books I want to read. The truth is, I’m happy when I’m able to write out all the songs and poems that has been lingering at the back of my mind. The truth is, I’m not scared of tomorrow. Not because I’m one bright girl, no. I’m not scared of facing all the tomorrows in the whole world even though I’m very much aware of how oblivious and dumb and naïve and just plain silly I can be. The truth is, I’m not afraid at all because I have faith in the strongest force ever. And the truth is, because I have faith; I still do believe in kindness of the people we love and of strangers. And because I have faith, I do actually believe that everything, even the bad things, happens for a reason. And because I have faith, I understand that all of us are a part of that ultimate plan, and each of us here are here for our own specific reason.

So maybe I will one day be that great lawyer like I have mapped out myself to be. Maybe. But I know, I will never be that robot I tried to design myself to be. I’m just not gonna be that.

This is my current step-back. So what if I don’t know what to do next, yet. So what if I don’t have my whole life mapped out. And that reminds me of something I read somewhere that when we prostrates ourselves to the Almighty, our worries fall off our shoulders and remain discarded on the ground as we rises back up.

I now know it’s not wrong for me to close my eyes and try to comprehend what my heart is saying and listen to those voices in my head. Thus I will have my take on this step-back. I will read, and I will write. I will get lost, and I will try keep on finding my way. And I will pray, and I will cry. Then I will smile, and I will be strong.

And after, I will take one step up. Then when the time is right, and that time will come, I will have my little coffee shop around the corner and it will be filled with beautiful aroma of the oven-bake, fresh ground coffee, and old books. And that’s as far as I will have right here, right now.

"When Allah wishes good for someone, He bestows upon him the understanding of Deen (Knowledge)" - Mu'awiyah r.a

Just a cigarette away, not too far gone

2011-04-03T15:04:00.006+08:00

Because. If you want to get into the mind of an author, you read the book. Not the reviews.

Because. If you are looking, you will find me here.

Because. I'm on Google.

Because. I'm looking for liberation, not mere freedom.

Because. Mostly, just because.

Maybe. Maybe because I'm wishing that you'll miss me. Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe because I'm lost and I hate to be found when I'm lost. Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe because I like to be the girl who "gets it". Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe because I want to stop being the girl who "gets in". Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe I like writing in a severely vague manner, especially when all my emotions are coming crashing down, is because I'm waiting for that question of "why?". And when faced with that question, I've prepared my answer;

"I don't know. Just because I guess."

And I want that answer to be just enough. Coz with or without, I'm going to be alright.

I'm that proud. Maybe.

The Best Ride in Town

2011-03-31T20:58:00.004+08:00

So you see, I'm like the biggest cliche girl in the whole wide world.

1. I dream to be as free as the Nightingale.

2. I guard my heart well. The past proved I must.

(don't ever get me wrong, it has never been about boys)

3. I like to think I'm made of steel.

4. I can't lie & I always tell the punchline wrong.

5. I fall in love every other week coz I believe in "easy come, easy go"

6. I'm easily amused, but not impressed. True story.

To make a long story short, (coz nowadays the place that I will actually put in effort to put in every single freaky and gross details is only in the email. save me the trouble of double story-telling) I came home today to a rejection letter. But instead of feeling low like I would usually do, I smiled and I beamed.

I feel proud of myself. And I'm happy. Subhanallah.

Every time these kind of things happen, I'd be happy. Coz these are the times when I feel like my friends are right. And that makes me happy.

And my biggest cliche of all, despite the fact that I have strong opinions on a lot of serious topics and it's hard to make me budge, it's really the simple things in life that keeps the smile on my lips.

And I smile a lot. And I laugh even more.

Little things console us, because little things afflict us.

the damage has been done.

2011-03-29T11:08:00.008+08:00

I never realized it until they pointed it out. I'm an FB-slut.

no, I don't stalk people. nor do I have the urge to tell the world that I need to pee.

but who doesn't judge people tru FB profiles these days?

not that I care about what other people think of me,

but I do care what some people think of me, coz I care about those some people.

being an FB-slut is bringing me down.

I tried it once, I tried it twice. And I think this is for the third time.

Detox.

I rather remain mysterious, I heard it's an art.

(yes it's the same line I use every time)

Coz I don't wanna be conditioned into something I'm not.

And yes, I'll be blogging a lot these days.

I'm unemployed, but not jobless. =)

"the only thing worse than having you think I'm the same girl you used to know,
is when you think I've forgotten who I used to be."

The Interesting Stranger.

2011-03-28T18:09:00.003+08:00

Grandma doesn't really like malls. Not that her health allows to do much of it. So I took her to rest at the cafe while mama and Umair went off and ordered some cucumber drink. (which she keeps on saying how it can be done at home, without having to pay that much).

While waiting, a man came in and sat opposite me at the side table. (like the photo, ho yeaahh I dream of being a journalist. )

He is The Interesting Stranger.

1. He sat down, switch on his slim black Vaio. Start typing a bit. 5 mins later, switch it off.

2. He started to read a Coelho novel. But for everyone entering the cafe, he will observe.

3. He took a pen and underline the novel.

4. He reads the novel while doing had gestures. You know, the one like what we do the night before a law exam and that's the first time we're reading it, so we think doing hand gestures will help to get everything in the head, on time. Yes, like that.

5. And he observes people a lot, when he's not doing the hand gestures.

6. He called the bill. And do the "keep the change" gesture. Only the waiter didn't budge coz apparently, there's not only no change to keep, but not enough summore. So he laughed and put more money and repeat the "keep the change" gestures.

7. He wears a short bermuda. And I was sitting across him oki. And he sit in a way that his legs was like facing my way. It was geli. And it was freaky.

Thank God he left after that. Like God, thank You!

And yes, the word "interesting" can be a negative term.

yucks, no?

some people need every one's eyes just to feel seen.

TGIF & TG I'm done with Chamboring!

2011-03-25T09:43:00.005+08:00

But Dear God,

I miss already!

Here's the key thing of my take on my chambering days:

I hate the game. But I love the players.

I mean, really, it's so easy to be in love with them.

And yes, as for the work, I hate pupillage. I mean, really, it wasn't like it was damn hard or anything, but there's too much redundancy and tedious work.

And as for me, aside from waiting, doing redundant and tedious work comes in second in my IHATE list. Yes, I'm a whiner like that.

And I cried in court. Because I waited to long to get something filed in.

(not because the SAR or the Magistrate threw my file away, TG that never happened during my 9 months!)

So yes, I'm a crybaby like that.

But yeah, I found love (and a lot of it too!) during my 9 months.

"Don't hold back, Hana. Just be yourself there, and I promise you, you will shine."

"...I wish I can see myself the way you see me." (finally speaking my mind)

And if you think I had it good having a roller-coaster ride and bumper car ride every day in the office,

actually no, it wasn't that good.

it was better.

this. IMONELUCKYBITCH.

my besties were all on the same street, Jalan Raja Chulan.

We were (me, ex. Haxi, soon-to-be-ex.) The Chulanerz.

yes I know, that sounds like a crazy poptart band who only plays in a dodgy Kelab Dangdut.

And to make it perfect-er, my cousin Hana was in the same building.

Now what was I complaining about again?

Oh ya.. transcribing. That was hell man.

So yeah, TG for chamboring!