Definitely maybe. Ask again.

I Don't Know About You

It is true. I don't know about you, or about anyone else.

Why someone would make certain decision, or why someone decided not to take that one step closer. I don't know about anyone else, I only know about my story. And perhaps that is why I keep on saying that some reasons; though not good enough of a reason, is still a reason. Or they may not be reasonable, but it is understandable. Perhaps more than anything else, I was trying to give myself that excuse.

And more than anything else, more than what everyone perceive myself to be; it was not easy for me. Even when I wore tudung to school, putting on hijab proved to be more difficult as the world started to unfold itself. I would love to say "I hear, and I obey" to God, as I have never doubted that it was a command from Him. But with all those understanding, I would have to admit my weaknesses.

I am not one of those who was brought up and schooled in a proper Islamic education. Heck, I never went to any Islamic, even if it's just to learn the Quran, school..until UIA. But I'm not "privileged" with ignorance as my excuse as my parents, tabarakallah and alhamdulillah, were Heaven-sent; I think what they gave me was 110% more effective than any school could ever do a girl like me.

So NO, I was not deprived of The Message.

But alas, my parents were never my only teachers.

When I prostrate before Him in Masjidil Haram in June 2010, one of my cries to Him was to soften my heart to make it easier for me to obey His commands. And to have Mercy on me each time I find it to be a struggle to put on the hijab.

So after that prayer, while I was in my telekung, totally make-up less (of course!), with teary eyes and berhingus, a woman came to me and looked directly into my eyes before saying "Mashaallah, you are so beautiful."

In a state of confusion, that tickled me to the bones and I thought of His obvious love for me. Being the All-Knowing, He would know I am perhaps the kind of girl that needs the knocking there and then. And Al-Malik is the One with absolute sovereign, over my life, over my destiny and over my heart and soul.

"So establish prayer and give zakah and hold fast to Allah. He is your Protector, and excellent is the Protector, and excellent is the Nassir (the One who provides victory, the Helper) ." (Al-Hajj, 22:78)

May Allah forgive me, but for all the efforts done to ensure I hold on to Him, yet I am still a girl who knows what a little hair-twirling can do. Some days harder than the rest, some days when I would fall to the whispering in my head that says "what harm could it do? And hey, you know it would make a lot of things easier."

As there is no short-cut to any place worth going, even when I thought I had it affirmed in my heart, doubts would appear before I could take the next step. Forgive me for I am not trying to blame anyone, but by His Wisdom and Knowledge to which belongs only to Him, I wasn't made to understand the logic behind certain things.

My heart was hurt when the same people who asked me to put my hijab, or to wear my hijab properly; are the same people who have their arms locked to those who doesn't have their hijab on. And when queried, it is always the same answer of "give her time, she will in time insyaAllah". As a girl who could throw her head just to laugh crazily, and to sing her heart out to Greenday, and jumps up and down when she heard Dashboard Confessional is coming to town, and dreams of having a walk-in closet for her heels, that is just plainly unfair... and bullshit.

And to the girl who's heart is in constant conflict with her head, with the heart affirming the command and the love for it, and the head being plainly rebellious, that is enough to draw the line of respect. (Again, with all the love in my heart, I do NOT say this to reprimand anyone, but only to say it as it is, for myself and for many others) It especially hurts when you are struggling with one thing and another person is given a free pass on it.

But Al-Waarith is the One to whom all possessions return when the possessor is gone. The One who inherits all that we've done. The One who has the everlasting ownership of all that has ever been and that will ever be.

"And certainly We, it is we who give life, and it We who remain inheritors (after all else passes away) ." (al-Hijr, 15: 23)

And this is where I learn to don my hijab only for myself, an attempt for me to get closer to the One who owns me before I was brought into this world, the One who will own me in the afterlife, and the One who owns my every breathing.

And the One who owns me, is the One who owns every single other souls and all of the deed done and to be done. As others might hurt me and disappoint me, I have to go back to Him, to pass Him my broken heart for Him to mend it, and to be rest assured in His promises.

In the end the calculation is a simple one. With a swing of my hair and a drop in the voice, I could get that free cup of latte, or in the long run I could get that guy. But Al-Aziz, The Almighty is the One with the Might over every strain of my hair, over that cup of coffee that might just be destined to fall right after I leave the coffee shop, and over that guy whose heart could falter any day, and over my heart which could be changed any minute.

So ya, in the end the calculation is a simple one. I rather be loved by my Creator, I rather fear to have a hardened heart against Al-Aziz, rather than the fear of being left by the guy who left when he could not have his way over me. I rather be loved by Al-Waliy, The Protecting Friend/ The Guardian, and not desired by one who has too many desires; rather than being far from Al-Waliy but is loved and adored by one who will eventually has to answer to Al-Waliy as well.

"and whoever is an ally of Allah and His Messenger and those who have believed - indeed, the party of Allah - they will be the predominant." (Al-Maidah, 5: 56)

Hence why in the end the calculation is a simple one. When I put on my hijab, it is only because I want to be closer to Him. So close to Him that when the time comes, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) will smile at me.

**this does not mean my hijab is perfect, I am still trying, and struggling as some days are still harder. But alhamdulillah things that were cloudy before, is clearer now. Words that were disappointments before, is taken as a reminder to myself now. Other than that, I will leave it to Him as the Al-Wakeel, my Ultimate Trustee. Every tears, every worry, every confusion and every hurt.

"Sufficient for us is Allah, and [He is] the best Disposer of Affairs." (Ali Imran, 3:173)

I don't know about you, but this is about me, finally able to put my chin up and say, "pfft, seriously. What was I so worried about? When all I should be worried about is about pleasing the One who has control over all of my destiny, not about pleasing my whims and fancies and arrogance or pleasing others, and to put out my best for Him, as He is the only One who could give me the best."

May Allah Al-Hafeedh cleanse our souls and purify our hearts and protects our intelligence.

"Be mindful of Allah, and He will protect you. Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you."
- reported by At-Tarmidhi

I don't know about you, but I have nothing else to give.

laughed or cried;

Commandeering

The distance between two separated souls, the least, is a lifetime.

The distance between virtuous patience and anger, is that swing of the fist.

The distance between a goal and a dream, is that fearful fearless step.

The distance between two strangers' hearts, is the scarred past and an uneven future.

The expansion distance between two points, everyone is still losing.

And success is a distance to be traveled; running, walking, even crawling.

Hey, let's not be afraid of what is on the other side.

Let's say 'joyride!' chirpily, like the way it should be.

laughed or cried;

While you were away

Everyone is trying to prove their points. All of us are supposedly misunderstood. We portray what we want, and then we expect the world to read the underlining rational behind who we are. Like how Robin Hood was a thief. But hey, he stole from the rich and give to the poor! So it's not fair for us to label him as a thief per se.

Or how I can laugh so crazily during the day, and write ambiguous emotional blog posts at night. Then expect those who sees me as an immature bimbo, to be smart enough to realize that I actually got a sober soul. And vice versa, those who has been reading me or had seen the waterworks, to understand that I am not trying to play that damsel in distress.

Sigh.

That, and the fact that just because I am trying, doesn't mean I'm there yet, not quite.

Like how I would cry deep in my prayers doesn't make me a sinless girl. Not at all, not even close. But at the very least it keeps me grounded, even though I am a daily flight-risk. But if you ask me I would say "I do not deserve something so good", then ask me again and with both eyes closed I would say "but I owe it to my soul to choose better".

Or how I would lie about being scared. When in fact being scared is one thing I most afraid of, and I'd do anything to avoid it, to deny it. To the point of denying my emotions. Too scared to lose, too scared to win. If I could promise myself one thing tonight, I would promise I will not be scared to lose, in order to win. And when I do win, I will not be too afraid to embrace it.

Like how I should be honest enough to embrace it all.

I feel too much; hence I cry too easily. I think too much, hence I get tired too easily. I hope too much, hence I get disappointed too easily. I laugh too much, hence I get amused too easily. I believe too much, hence I fell in love too easily.

Look, let's be honest. If not to each other, at least to ourselves. Let's stop trying to prove our nonsensical points when we can't even convince ourselves of those points.

What is the point?

We will lose what is not meant for us, regardless how strong our fear of losing is.

The point is, I am tired of feeling too much. Which of course, by virtue of the above equation, I am tired of crying too easily. I wish I do not feel, I wish I am more like you.

I wish. But I am not.

The whole point for tonight is for me to start being honest enough to embrace who I am, to start picking up strength to lose in order to win. Even if it means losing you, I would gather my strength to do it, because I just have to stop being on the verge of tears.

Even if the world sees my fragility, and perhaps even futility, it's oki. I swear to God I do believe that the world is in need of more honesty from it inhabitants. So I am going to start with myself.

In all honesty, I will keep the rest to myself still. And I will get my rest tonight, praying I will be braver and stronger to be honest tomorrow. Or perhaps, able to convince myself that what the world need is more honesty. Or perhaps, God will bless me with wisdom and intelligence to show that I have been wrong all along.

Just because I cried, doesn't mean I'm hopelessly sad. It could mean I'm trying but just a little bit tired, and hence I'm praying for some left over strength for me to continue trying. It could mean that. Or it could mean something else.

laughed or cried;

Film flaw

To the world I am a brightly pictured book.

(like a huge red Apple picture above the written "APPLE")

As if insecurities can be hidden behind a glass door.

(it's like the whole world can see right through me, except the one who

seems like could be my whole world)

But I'll let it rest tonight.

I laid it all out to the Protection of my Creator.

(after all, He created my whole world)

laughed or cried;

Better than Ice-cream

They say you can't lose what you never had.

(even if it has always been desired.)

I have never been independent.

(I'm just good at forcing myself.)

It's not pride, it's education.

(a forced one.)

Kalau syurga boleh dibeli dengan wang, tidak bernilailah air mata yang mengalir merayu kekuatan menghadapi ketentuan Ilahi.

laughed or cried;

Guilty Pleasure

I can calculate between 2 traffic lines.

What I cannot calculate is when a driver decides against the flow.

Unknown variables can kill.

Whereas fear without faith is a sure kill.

Just sayin'

laughed or cried;

Penting ke?

"Read! In the name of your Lord and Cherisher"

(Al-Alaq, 96:1)

Do, with a firm belief of His aid will come together (with His command).

Do, with your heart set for Him.

Because I only have my heart to consume and to indulge all of it. So I beg that every beat of heart, is guided and protected. Because maybe, the place we have come to fear the most, is the place we have to be and the place we ought to be, is the place we want to be.

laughed or cried;

histories